The world according to me…

I figured a bunch of peeps will be blogging about their New Year Resolutions. Nope, not me! I mean, for as long as my friends have known me, have I ever try to fit in? I am always trying to get all eyes on me and I love that people gossip about me…so why would I not provide them with endless material?

Honestly, where did the year go? Where did my time go? Oh yeah, WORK! So, this is what having a real job is like. It took me three tries post college to actually get a real job but I really hit the nail on the head this time. I work like a dog…and then some. I love what I do but it’s never enough. The more I give the more they take. Damn bloodsuckers, I tell you! I love what I do and I think I am going to go far in Human Resources. I am planning to take my PHR next year and back to grad school the following.

Did I save any money? Nope! I have over 80 pairs of shoes, 4 pairs of boots, 10 winter coats, 8 BCBG dresses and 4 VERY expensive leather handbags. Fashion can be an investment, right? My ING Orange savings account is still in the 3 figure range…haha. I did enroll in my company’s 401K. How grown up is that?! All you haters, I promise I won’t shop like this when I have kids but until then, I love all my clothes and shoes like children.

One friend got married (Mazal Tov Jodi!) and another will be getting hitch this Jan (Congrats SJ!). Both my cousins also met their match. I am too young to get married! I want to have a huge wedding but I am not done flirting yet! I want a pretty dress and loads of attention. An “Yvonne Day” really is quite necessary but being married is a whole other story. Funny thing was today, Arthur, one of my department managers came up to me to congratulate me on my upcoming nuptials. I flat out asked him, “Sweetie ain’t no man can afford me!” That pretty much squashed that rumor mill. On a more serious note, marriage requires a lot of commitment and time and I am still too selfish and immature to give someone all of me.

I have not had a vacation since last year when I took a weekend in Boston. I am planning a long weekend in Florida this Jan/Feb. I am super excited about Club Med. I really want to try archery! In case, you are wondering why, just know that I have a lot of pent up anger. I am afraid to take time off, though. Every time, I take an extra day off, I come back to over 50 voicemails and I get calls even when I am out sick! I am NOT that important in the company, leave me alone!

2007 was a so-so year but I did learn so much about myself. I prioritized. I figured out what I really want. I learned to ask for what I want. I am stronger (mentally). My career is moving upwards. I am healthy though a little chubby! I got my heart crushed but I found two men that worship me. Most of all, I learned that I am quite fabulous and NO ONE is going to love me more than me! So I am going to treat myself like a queen and expect no less from everyone else. Optimism is at an all time high for 2008. I always get what I want so I know it’s going to be a good year!

The great Fitzgerald once wrote to his beloved, “Once we were one and always, it will be a little that way…” We carry a piece of that person with us no matter how far we journey. I carry them in my heart and my mind. I remember the promises made and broken. I remember the hopes, dreams and more so the reality that is. I remember the lessons taught and the tears shed. I remember because there are always battle wounds. There are days when I hide my scars and then there are days when I wear them like a badge of honor. There are days when my scars remind me of how far I have come and then there are days when my scars burn like a scarlet letter.

I don’t regret the choices I made but I regret the consequences of my actions. How foolish of me to think that my actions do not affect those around me. The domino effect is ever present in life. In a moment of fear, I made a bad judgment that led to a haste departure that caused a misunderstanding followed by a selfish act that finally hurt all parties involved. I hang my head in shame for I cannot forgive myself. In this moment, I carry both in my heart for they are both a part of me.

Sometimes I think I hurt those in my present because I cannot let go of my past. I am a part of him and nothing can ever change that. He was once mine and I cannot let that go. In my mind, I will always be his. They told me to let him go for you have to see if it was meant to be. I did. He returned. I forgave. He asked to be let go again. I complied.

I hate that I care so much. I hate that I can’t forget. I hate how my heart still leaps at the sight of him. I hate that I crave to hear his laughter. I hate the spell he has over me. I hate that I compare all those that came after, to him. I hate that in my mind no man can measure up to him. I hate that I don’t hate him. I hate that deep down inside I know he is it.

How long should I sit in the sidelines? I am so tired of playing the good friend sidekick. I want to be the star. I want to be the one with the happy ending. Shouldn’t I have the staring role in my life story? Yes, there are always twists and turns in the plots before the final ending. Every love story must have some trials and tribulations before the fat lady sings. I take it all and march on because I already know the end to my story.

We cannot change our past but history merely guides us in our future endeavors; it does not dictate the future. My past does not define my future. My past serves as a measure of how far I have come and how much more I have to go. My present is ever-changing. I learn from my mistakes but I make others. I learn more everyday and I err more everyday. The cycle is never-ending but we are a part of each other always though we are apart.

I have always known that I was a Type-A personality. In fact, I might as well sit on the welcoming committee on Neurotic-ville. My constant need to overthink and overanalyze has never affected me too much until now. I am breaking out in hives…nasty hives all over my body, face and legs from being too stressed out. Go figure.

I am used to being unable to fall asleep because of a presentation the next day. I am okay with checking and rechecking my own work for perfection. I don’t mind being labeled as neurotic because I hound people to follow up with me. Now that my overachiever-self is affected physically, I am going to bring it down a couple of hundred notches.

I love my job. I love the people I work with, less one or two. I thrive on the urgency of my job. I see this as a long-term career but I am going to have a nervous breakdown if I don’t take a chill pill. In the last two weeks, this is the third breakout I have had and it does not look good. Four visits to the dermatologist and a blood test later (pending the results), my hives are not allergy related but in fact induced by stress. The test are not out yet, how do I know it’s stress-related?…because, I had a minor outbreak ten minutes after my boss calls me on my cell phone on my sick day.

This is not some small outbreak but large areas of reddened skin all over and it’s itchy as hell on top of that! I am actually disgusted at how I look. I doubt I will be meeting up with my lover this weekend. I have been looking forward to spending some time with a very cute someone but now I have to avoid him like plague because I look like the human bee-hive but in red! Guess I need to go back to yoga…

I needed to use the ATM so I had to walk on the street I usually avoid. I was walking and talking on the cell at the same time and before I knew it, I was there. I was right in front of the store and he was standing at the door. I stopped dead in my tracks and he looked at me. It took him a split second to place me. He smiled at me shyly as he held the door open for an elderly customer. I tilted my head to my side and smiled back. Then I looked down and walked away.

In that brief two seconds of us looking at each other, the world around me just disappeared. It hit me that I miss him beyond reason. Without a doubt in my mind, he is the most beautiful person in the world. His eyes are kind and his smile gentle. He is my world. He is the one. How can someone make my world stop just like that unless he is the one?

He hasn’t seen me in over three months and as soon as I walked away, I panicked. All I could think of was if I looked jacked up! I am sorry but reality is unromantic and sometimes almost cruel. I rushed to my mirror when I got home. Yeah, I looked good…phew! In fact, I looked beautiful. I looked happy and effortless.

When you live and work within a ten block radius from your ex, your game has to be on 24/7/365. I do not have an off day. Why?…because life plays cruel jokes. Ever notice that you run into your ex on the one day you decide not to brush your hair and wearing jogging pants? I rest my case…

I felt totally stupid just walking away when I know he would have stepped out. I just wasn’t ready. I would have turned into a blabbering idiot. He still makes my head spin and my hands clammy after all this time. So there was my accidental visit from the ghost from the Christmas past…and I love him.

         I don’t know how some women juggle several men. I have two and I am at my wit’s end. A blast from the past on one end and a new uncharted territory on the other; both keep me on my toes. Who do I really want?

         One is familiar. He is home for me. He reminds me of where I came from. He reminds me of a time when I was so simple and naïve. He was the one before all the pain. He has always been there in some shape or form. He never was and never will be dependable but he will always catch me when I fall. He has disappointed me so much but still I hold him to such high expectations. I cannot give up on him. It is not love if I have no expectations of him. I will always be the one that wants the world from him but will never ask for a dime. He has never taken me an expensive restaurant or bought me anything nice but I have never doubted his desire to give me everything my heart should ever desire. Nothing to hide because time has stripped us both bare.

          The other one brings new hope for things that could be. No history or baggage. So much mystery to solve and so many secrets to discover. He makes my blood boil but I am absolutely nuts about him. He is one of the most caring and responsible person I have ever met. There are days where he just lets me be and there are days where he is out to tame the wild nut that I am. Some days, he keeps me in check and some days he lets me be. I can’t help but smile when I hear his voice. He is so insensitive but he can detect the smallest frown on my forehead. He listens to all my stories and laughs at all my jokes. He reminds me of how far I have come. He reminds me of how much more I have to grow.

         Both men are driven and crave for success. Both held me in their arms as I cried when John broke my heart. Both think that I am absolutely gorgeous even though I have packed on more than a couple of pounds. Both have that look in their eyes when they see me. The look that says it all; she is gorgeous, I am crazy about her and I am so lucky she is crazy about me too. Yes, they both have that look when I am near. Both roll their eyes when I stamp my foot to make a point. Both are kind with hearts of gold. Both are stubborn and difficult beyond reason. Both love their families. Most of all, both think they are the only man in my life…

       Sometimes, I just want to be selfish. I spent all my time pleasing John when I was with him. I want to be the one catered to this time and disregard their feelings but deep down inside, I am not that kind of girl. I like being with just one person. I like being devoted to just one person. I have to stop playing with their feelings. They shouldn’t have to pay for John’s mistakes…Maybe I should find it in my heart to let John go first.

I love him. I love him for making me laugh. I love him for making my blood boil. I love him for getting me. I love him for changing me. I love him for his patience. I love him for his eagerness. I love him for him. I love him for loving me for me. I love him.

Sometimes I sit and wonder if this is what it’s supposed to be? Have I been traveling in a circle because I am right back where I started? Was everything that happened preparing me for this ending? Was everything that happened preparing him for this ending? Are we inexplicably bound together?

He is everything that is wrong for a woman yet he is the perfect man. He has done everything that a man should never do to a woman yet he will give you the world. He is incapable of being selfless yet he gives up a party to tend to his puppy. He forgets everything yet he can recall anything you ask. He oozes with confidence yet he is always eager for approval.

What do you do when he tells you that you are the love of his life? What do you say when he offers you commitment? What’s the next step when he is ready to take the leap of faith you have always hoped for? What do you do when you realize that he places you on a pedestal and at the same time leans on you for strength? What do you do when he offers everything and anything with only the hope of reciprocity?

I don’t know what I am doing. I am questioning every move that I am making because it doesn’t make sense. I push when he pulls. This is everything that I wished for but never dared dream of. I don’t know why I get what I want when I no longer want it. Maybe I do want it but afraid to grab it for fear of it slipping from my grasp. I have it in the palm of my hand but I am afraid to wrap my fingers around it. Three years is a long time but it’s nothing in the scope of a lifetime.  Terrified, yet, no guts no glory. He is ready to jump so I guess I am going to take that leap of faith with him…no safety net.

Let’s face it, I am chicken-shit. I think and think and then think some more before I do anything. Then, I relive every moment and dissect every word until there is nothing left. After all that, I am left with more questions than when I first started. I am always worried about timing. I believe that if the right things were said but at the wrong time, it all goes bust. I carefully string my thoughts into words. I practice them in my head first then I take great care in my facial expressions hence an ever present poker face. Yes, it is very tiring to be me.

When it’s all said and done, I realize it’s the spontaneous moments that has let to the best results. Those rare moments when I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind or when I let my very bad temper take control; those are the times when I get what I want. Losing control isn’t so bad. In retrospect, going with my gut and not giving a damn is the right way to live.

Do you know that in my entire life, there is only one man who loves me just the way I am and has never held a grudge for all the crap I threw at him? The one man that I pined over for two years and never thought would love me back absolutely adores me. In a fit of anger, I threw a glass of water into his face…in front of all his co-workers. I have left umpteeth angry messages telling him to never call me again only to make up a week later. I pretend not to hear him when he tells me he loves me. I am brutally honest with him…borderline mean, in a way. I am needy when I feel insecure and he indulges me by feeding my ego. When he tries to get smooth, I tell him to spare me the act. Wow, I am quite a bitch, aren’t I? Nope, I am just being true to myself. You don’t know temper until you meet me.

It is not my intention to hurt him. I am just not sugarcoating anything for him and he reciprocates. I share a sense of freedom with him that I do not have with anyone else. I am nuts. If you don’t think I am crazy then I am definitely not being myself when I am with you because I really should be committed. It is very tiring to be wrapped up in a straightjacket day in, day out. So for me to be able to flail my crazy arms and holler from the top of my lungs whenever I feel like it…well, it feels pretty darn good. It’s nice that someone accepts you for who you are and loves just as you are.

“I love you” is best when preceded by “You are fuckin’ nuts but…” and followed by “Never change”. I am not always nuts…I have good, normal traits that make me endearing but it’s the spitfire that keeps me from being granted them angel wings. There you go, be yourself. Pick your battles but don’t ever not fight. Says what’s on your mind in any darn way you feel like it. There is no such thing as “forever hold your peace” because you can friggin’ yell him a week later for what he did last Tuesday (it’s called delayed reaction!).

If something is meant to be, you cannot fuck it up. I brought down the giant by just being myself and having no expectations. There were no precise timing or careful words, I just bulldozed myself into his life and now, I am permanently on his pedestal. Maybe that’s the route I should take from now on…No guts, no glory.

I felt such a sense of accomplishment today. I love my job!!! Fickle me always had trouble figuring out what it is that I wanted. Now, I finally know. I want to be in Human Resources. I have so much to learn but I am starting to see my strengths in my work and I am finding my way up the career ladder.

I have always enjoyed my job because of the positive impact I have. I love the look on someone’s face when I made them a job offer. I love dissecting someone’s mind to see what would make them a valuable addition to my company. I love being the person they seek out when they encounter a roadblock because they look to me as an ally and not a superior yet they are grateful to me for giving them a job. I enjoy conducting the new hire orientation. It brings me a great deal of satisfaction when I see one of my new hires excelling. Most of the people I hire are new immigrants, refugees actually. Seeking asylum is a long and difficult process. Once they are granted that new status, they are ready for their new life to begin and work is that first step. I give many people their first jobs in this country.

Today, I took on a different role. Employee relations and retention are two of the hardest aspects of human resources though recruiting (which is what I do) is more challenging. I had to approach my seemingly unhappy receptionist to understand her dissatisfaction. After much coaxing and prodding, I realize she likes the company but feels a lack of challenge in her position. I gave her more projects right then and there. The monthly newsletter is now off my hands and into hers! I felt like such a grownup managing her. I don’t think she realizes that I am probably only 3-4 years older than her! I just felt good because I realize a little can go such a long way in employee retention and that is something that companies do not do enough of. This is no longer an employer’s market. It is very hard to find good employees and new hire training is a huge drain on company budget. I find it difficult to maintain a good pool right now. I currently staff a company of about 300. My work load will double when we open our next store. I can’t wait for that challenge!

I also started an excellent internship program at our company. I took on three unpaid interns over the summer. They were a wonderful addition to our human resources department but they touched every aspect of the company. Imagine the pride I felt when all three girls told my boss they wanted to be recruiters at the end of their internship! I always made them feel like my equals. Even though they referred to me as their boss, I never treated them like my staff. I felt really happy when I realize I was inspiring to them when all I wanted was for them to have a good learning experience and something for their sparse resume. Aaah…someday they will write books about me…hmm….

There is a reason why he is still in my life. He keeps me grounded and at the same time he keeps me from falling apart. He is a reminder of where I came from, who I am and everything that is (was?) good about me. He brings me back to a time where I was still innocent and naïve. More so, he brings out the purity that I thought I had lost. So many have come after him and in so many ways I am no longer the person I was three years ago. Yet, his mere presence takes me back there and helps me recapture what was lost in the lies and heartbreaks.

He is here at a time where my self esteem is low. He makes me feel like a million bucks just when my self worth hit zero. He is teaching me to see me for what I really am and not what I am being told I am. He makes my jokes a little funnier than they actually are. His eyes linger on me a little longer than they should. He thinks I am sexy in a simple white nightshirt. He thinks I am pretty even when I am stuffing my face with a cheeseburger. Every girl needs someone like that in their lives. I have never had someone adore me and my quirks quite like this before.

It’s nice when he calls me on a whim. I feel special that he thinks about me so much. I feel special that he calls just to listen to the mundane details of my life. I feel special that he responses to all my crazy ideas. It’s utterly amazing that he spent all day with me and did anything that piqued my interest. It feels fabulous that my every move is exciting to him.

What girl doesn’t want a man to desire her the way he desires me? What girl doesn’t want a man like him to cater to her? What girl doesn’t want a man that is full of pride of us just walking around the city together? What girl doesn’t want such a confident man like him to be just tad insecure when it comes to her? What girl doesn’t want a man who just can’t say no to her?

He is the same person that he was three years ago…but more honest. He is so raw and open with everything. He is completely comfortable with who he is, where he is heading and what he wants. He does not flaunt what he has but he also does not hide what he lacks. He is a confident, kind, very tall, giving, very attractive man that loves me. When we are out, girls turn to stare at him but he is completely focused on me. He is the one man that I thought would never love me. I placed him on a pedestal for as long as I remember. I have been so wrapped up with being heartbroken that I didn’t realize that he placed me on a pedestal too. Looking back, in the three years I have known him, he has never once criticized me or ostracized me for the choices I make.

The irony of life never fails to amaze me. I remember crying myself to sleep three years ago when he was being a jerk. I dared not even wish for reciprocity; I just loved him. Now it’s being handed to me and I don’t think I want it anymore. Maybe I just don’t have a heart left inside me to love the man I wanted for two years. The man I sat next to for a year without ever making a move now worships me. I cannot believe the most selfish man I know is also the one man that gets me and loves me just the way I am. Careful what you wish for. I got what wanted without even asking for it. In life, we always get what we want…eventually. At any rate, I am not happy and I am tired. Sometimes I just want to pack up and run away. Starting anew somewhere far from here is very tempting but then I realize history has a way of catching up with us sooner or later and I will just pick up where I left off.