The world according to me…

I see you everyday fighting the demons within you. You desperately want to be a good man- the man that is dependable, considerate, kind, generous and successful. There are some days, that you succeed and you are this incredible man that I long for but most days, you fail and the disappointment radiates from me.
You are a good man deep, deep, deep down inside but there are too many layers for the goodness to fight before it can surface. You try to do the right thing each time and I know it’s not easy but you mostly fail to do the right thing. It really is much easier to be a selfish jerk than to give. It so much easier to ask and take than to work and live with less.
This fantasy of you that I have is not real. In my mind, you are one shy of perfection but in reality you are a far cry from it. You tell of this overwhelming desire for me and this undying love for me. You speak of the future where I will have no worries for you shall shelter me. You give me dreams of the children I wish to have. In hindsight, it’s all just words. I make excuses for your present bad behavior for the future you promise me. Now matters. Right now, you treat me less than the rug under your feet. You know what I deserve from you and there are some rare days that you give it to me but mostly you just don’t give a damn. I know you want to make me happy, as do I but the difference is, even if it tires me, I do it while you throw up your hands in defeat. Sadly for me, your happiness means more to me than my happiness to you.
The only person you are care about is you. You have fondness for many including me but it does not scratch the surface of love for love requires sacrifice, something that you will never be accustomed to. With my own eyes, I saw you with your own blood and you put yourself first. You always put yourself first. It pains me to love you this much. I am utterly disappointed in my inability to cut you off. You have an uncanny ability to get me to forgive you. What a vicious cycle, you have me in. It really is so much easier to love you for it is exhausting to be mad at the one you love most. Truth be said, I allow you to walk all over me. I never say no to any of your requests. I bequeath you with all that I can. How can I expect you to respect this doormat I let myself become?
I would have loved you to the end of time. I probably will, anyway. I hurt one of the best men I have ever came across all because I wanted to make it work with you. I turned a deaf ear to the wise words of my best friend to keep you in my life. I spent money I do not have for us to have memories that should come naturally with little or no cost. I make excuses for your behavior when I should just remove these rose colored glasses and see you for all that you are.
You ask me to be less selfless but you gleefully reap in my failures to do so. A simple thank you is sufficient but ever so often, you do something so dreadful that it begets questions of your sincerity. So yes your words of gratitude are trumped by your despicable acts of betrayal. Quite simply, you are an ungrateful man that will suck me dry, given the opportunity. You try not to but it’s just comes too easily for you.
What you do have abundant of is pride. You are stubborn beyond reason and possess no humility. For someone who so often ask for help, you have too much pride. I totally understand that it is hard to ask for help. What you need to understand is, people do not have to extend themselves to you and they have every right to decline without risking your wrath. It would only be right for you to slowly return the favor or at least make some pathetic attempt to do so.
One day, I hope you see that love is such a beautiful thing. It is amazing to be able to love someone unconditionally. I hope you find someone to love as I have loved (and still love) you. I hope in the future, you will put someone else before yourself. I hope the battle within you ends victoriously for the little good inside you. You are not malicious but simply too selfish and cavalier with others. Let this be a lesson for me and serve as a guide to everything that should not be in a relationship. As for me, I have nothing more to give you, Mr. Oscar Kimani. No more Oscar Kimani in my life.