The Idea of Something
I am walking down Fifth Avenue and pass by one of my favorite stores. As
always, my favorite store is one that I can rarely afford and even more rarely
has a sale. In the window, is a gorgeous dress that makes my heart skips a
beat. Do I dare enter to try on this dress which will cost me full retail
should I look amazing in it? I don’t. I go home and think about it all weekend.
Finally the next weekend, I return to the store. I made the decision to only
buy it if it costs less than X amount and that I will not buy anything else the
rest of the month.
Deep breaths as I walk in. I casually walk towards it. I
finger the delicate material gingerly as the salesperson strolls towards me. I take
the hanger of the rack and nod to her, indicating I would like to try it on. In
the fitting room, I find nothing but disappointment at the ill-fitting garment
I had hyped up all week. Up close, the harsh fluorescent lighting made the
colors garish the material felt scratchy. I took it off, got dressed and handed
it back to the salesperson.
How many times do I hype myself like that? All the time, of
course for I do the same thing with people. I often have high hopes of people
when I meet them only to find frustration that things were not as I thought it
would be. It’s good to hope for the best but sometimes, it’s safer to have no
expectations and merely go with the ride.
Today, I ended a 4 year on and off relationship with HIM.
Actually, I asked for some space from us but HE was unable to give me that. Since my return from Malaysia,
we have been inseparable. Going away to Boston.
Meeting HIS brother and best friend. Making plans for futures. We became the
couple that I always dreamed of…minus the street arguments and shouting matches.
Yes, there were loads of those. I asked that HE let me be for about 10 days and we can revisit but HE informed me that HE would unavailable by then. I had to be with HIM now or never. It’s funny how I can wait 4 years for HIM and HE can’t wait 10 days for me.
We both contributed to the demise of it. I felt that HE was
too insensitive and HE felt that I was too petty. I often felt that I was short
on the receiving end and gave too much. Even though HE was always grateful, I
felt some resentment that HE never took any initiative to plan anything or
offer anything. I am giving but not completely selfless, I know. I loved running the show and making decisions
but ever so often, I wished that HE would take the wheel from me.
I know I often made HIM feel like the bad guy when we fight.
It’s never completely HIS fault. I am just as stubborn as HE is but we were
different in all our tastes and likes. HE could never be the listener that I
need. HE was never much a conversationalist but always could talk up a storm
when intoxicated and by then, HE was just repeating HIMSELF over and over again.
I guess, it just boils down to the fact that while opposites attract, they don’t
last.
The idea of me being with HIM clouded what it was actually
like being with HIM. It felt incredibly romantic that after 4 years, HE came
around and was finally mine. What a cool story to tell people when they asked
how we met! I thought that this would be IT. In retrospect, I had too much
expectations of someone that never liked giving in. HE was too much of a rebel
to be what I wanted. HE liked contradicting me and going against the grain. At
times, it felt like HE would not do what I asked simply to be difficult. HE
shouldn’t change what HE is for I sure as hell am not changing. HE needs to be
less reckless with others’ feelings and I need to be more calm and collected
before reacting. We are just a clash of personalities, nothing more.
It’s a mutual decision. I mourn for the loss of something
that I held on to for 4 years but satisfied that we gave it a fighting chance.
The idea of me and HIM was so much sweeter than me and HIM. A little part of me
will always care for HIM. Maybe one day in the distant future, we can laugh
about it but for now, I need to be alone. I shall miss the laughter we shared
but wish HIM well. I never doubted HIS love for me. I believed HIM when HE said
that I am the love of his life but sometimes love isn’t enough to sustain a
relationship.
