So I am 27…
With all the twists and turns in my so-called life, I have tons of material for a memoir. Sometimes, I wonder if I create the drama or I attract drama. I am tired. I am so tired of drama. I never wanted a simple life, always afraid of being bored but now I realize a little simplicity in my life is exactly what I need.
I have so much in my life and yet I have almost nothing. I am literally crowded with possessions. So many pairs of shoes, scarves everywhere, dresses with tags on them crammed in my back closet and handbags overflowing from my top rack. I cleaned out my closet and threw out 20 pairs of shoes and 30 articles of clothing. I know I shop too much and I can’t shop my way to happiness but I sure look darn good on a daily basis. I may feel like crap on the inside but I look like a million dollars!
My birthday came and gone. I know I am loved. I am truly loved by my two brothers and my friends. I am so lucky but yet I crave for more. I try to be grateful for what I have but can’t shake off the thoughts of what I do not have. Sometimes, I feel that my years have taught me nothing. I still feel utterly ill equipped to live as a grown woman. I am still constantly acting without thinking or rethinking how/why I did something.
I am tired of dating. I do not like meeting new people. I am actually quite turn off by men who show an interest in me. I like stability and comfort of being with someone familiar. I have someone that loves me with all his heart but he doesn’t love me the way I want him to. I am such an ungrateful little brat, aren’t I? I know he loves me just by looking at his eyes. When Oscar looks at me, I see that he wants to give me the world. One look at Oscar and you see his desire to cater to everything that my heart should ever desire.
Yet, I make him feel like an arse. It’s not intentional. He makes a mistake and I am hurt. He feels like an arse and gets defensive, making me hurt even more. I do have very high expectations of him and he hates that he is such a constant disappointment. I cannot be anything other than what I am. So the saying goes, “Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all that they have.” Yes, this is all is he capable of and it is not enough for me. I need more and I deserve more. Oscar has been in and out of my life for four years. Never did I expect us to be where we are. Who would have thought that Yvonne would be the one great love of Oscar? The irony is almost too much to bear.
The only thing in my life I am in control of (most of the time, at least) is my career. I have found something that I am truly passionate about. I am challenged but I meet and exceed those challenges. Is it sad that I look forward to weekends because I want to sleep in but miss being productive at work?
I don’t have a 5 year plan but I do have a 3 year plan. Too bad, my plan only covers my career. The rest of my life is a blur. Some may find that exciting but tired me just wants to know that happiness and contentment is in the picture. I find it rather pathetic that I want so badly to be happy but have no clue as to what makes me happy.
Actually, I did find something that made me extremely happy last year but I messed it up so bad. I really screwed Mckinley over. I hate how I handled myself. I am so ashamed of myself. He likes me just the way I am but I was just too stupid to see it. He was there when John walked out. He helped me with work. He listened to all my rants and raves. He was so sincere and kind to me. How many men would hold you in their arms, when you cry about another man? Well, I had one but I made him leave.
I am mostly mad about my life and I need to stop feeling so angry. I believe in karma. I tell myself that if I am nice to someone, they will do the same for me but I guess it’s not always like that. I was nothing short of amazing to John and look at how he reciprocated. I don’t think I should change. Keep on giving and one day I shall receive. I have made many mistakes and I am going to keep making them but gotta keep it moving.
