Nothing but anger…
Recently something came to light. The Chinese always say that paper cannot cover a fire. The truth always comes out eventually. He is having a child with her. I have nothing left for him. This is the end of the road. The story must end no matter how much I wanted him back. I will never ever come between him and the woman who bore him a child. I never envisioned my life without him but he must never be a part of my life again. I always forgave him but that will never happen again.
Most of all, I resent him for not having the guts to tell me. I am disappointed that he didn’t think that I was capable of being happy for him. Something inside a person dies when they have been disappointed too many times. A little bit of innocence is stripped away when you lose faith in the one you love most. I am searching my heart for generosity and forgiveness. I cannot feel joy for him for he does not respect me or the bond we had. My heart is close.
Many times, I prayed for his well-being. I asked God to grant him peace with himself. I always believed that happiness eluded him because he secretly desired the misery. He has it together 90% of the time but that other 10% is pure dysfunction. There is something so inherently dark about him that it breaks my heart. Yet, he is such a beautiful person. Inside him, there is a goodness and purity that is buried so deep. I guess God answered my prayers because God gave him a little one to help him find his way. I now ask God to help me find forgiveness in my heart to let him go. I need to stop being mad at him. I must accept that this is the end of the story. I cannot even be friends with him because he did not deem me worthy of knowing.
I cannot be the person that I was - the forgiving person that always took him back with open arms. I hate that I have so much anger in me. I am so mad. I am so angry. I am appalled at how much anger I feel towards him. In fact, I am just mad at every single man in my life. Did I really once love him? Was he even real with me at all? How can you be so angry at someone that meant the world to you at one point in your life? When did he fall from my graces? I want to pound on his chest and scream. If I pound him hard enough and scream loud enough then maybe I will stop being so angry.
“Life is like a circle, and someday if we travel in opposite directions on the circle we will meet again”. I always believed that when you are with someone no matter how brief or how it ended, the two are forever entwined. People come in each others’ life for a reason. There is no coincidence. Everything has a rationale and a consequence. There, however, comes a time where you have to leave that vicious cycle. The anger is taking me out of that cycle but it is also keeping me from moving forward. I am so angry. I am so, so angry. Why did I ever let this man come into my life? I wish I never met him. I wish never let him in. I am so angry that I wouldn’t even hear happiness if it came knocking on my door. If he had the balls to come clean with me, I wouldn’t be so angry. If he told me, I would have closure. I deserve closure. I deserve the world. My eyes are blind from the anger. My ears are deaf from the anger. My heart is dead from the anger. There is nothing but anger in me.
