The world according to me…

With all the twists and turns in my so-called life, I have tons of material for a memoir. Sometimes, I wonder if I create the drama or I attract drama. I am tired. I am so tired of drama. I never wanted a simple life, always afraid of being bored but now I realize a little simplicity in my life is exactly what I need.

I have so much in my life and yet I have almost nothing. I am literally crowded with possessions. So many pairs of shoes, scarves everywhere, dresses with tags on them crammed in my back closet and handbags overflowing from my top rack. I cleaned out my closet and threw out 20 pairs of shoes and 30 articles of clothing. I know I shop too much and I can’t shop my way to happiness but I sure look darn good on a daily basis. I may feel like crap on the inside but I look like a million dollars!

My birthday came and gone. I know I am loved. I am truly loved by my two brothers and my friends. I am so lucky but yet I crave for more. I try to be grateful for what I have but can’t shake off the thoughts of what I do not have. Sometimes, I feel that my years have taught me nothing. I still feel utterly ill equipped to live as a grown woman. I am still constantly acting without thinking or rethinking how/why I did something.

I am tired of dating. I do not like meeting new people. I am actually quite turn off by men who show an interest in me. I like stability and comfort of being with someone familiar. I have someone that loves me with all his heart but he doesn’t love me the way I want him to. I am such an ungrateful little brat, aren’t I? I know he loves me just by looking at his eyes. When Oscar looks at me, I see that he wants to give me the world. One look at Oscar and you see his desire to cater to everything that my heart should ever desire.

Yet, I make him feel like an arse. It’s not intentional. He makes a mistake and I am hurt. He feels like an arse and gets defensive, making me hurt even more. I do have very high expectations of him and he hates that he is such a constant disappointment. I cannot be anything other than what I am. So the saying goes, “Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all that they have.” Yes, this is all is he capable of and it is not enough for me. I need more and I deserve more. Oscar has been in and out of my life for four years. Never did I expect us to be where we are. Who would have thought that Yvonne would be the one great love of Oscar? The irony is almost too much to bear.

The only thing in my life I am in control of (most of the time, at least) is my career. I have found something that I am truly passionate about. I am challenged but I meet and exceed those challenges. Is it sad that I look forward to weekends because I want to sleep in but miss being productive at work?

I don’t have a 5 year plan but I do have a 3 year plan. Too bad, my plan only covers my career. The rest of my life is a blur. Some may find that exciting but tired me just wants to know that happiness and contentment is in the picture. I find it rather pathetic that I want so badly to be happy but have no clue as to what makes me happy.

Actually, I did find something that made me extremely happy last year but I messed it up so bad. I really screwed Mckinley over. I hate how I handled myself. I am so ashamed of myself. He likes me just the way I am but I was just too stupid to see it. He was there when John walked out. He helped me with work. He listened to all my rants and raves. He was so sincere and kind to me. How many men would hold you in their arms, when you cry about another man? Well, I had one but I made him leave.

I am mostly mad about my life and I need to stop feeling so angry. I believe in karma. I tell myself that if I am nice to someone, they will do the same for me but I guess it’s not always like that. I was nothing short of amazing to John and look at how he reciprocated. I don’t think I should change. Keep on giving and one day I shall receive. I have made many mistakes and I am going to keep making them but gotta keep it moving.

Recently something came to light. The Chinese always say that paper cannot cover a fire. The truth always comes out eventually. He is having a child with her. I have nothing left for him. This is the end of the road. The story must end no matter how much I wanted him back. I will never ever come between him and the woman who bore him a child. I never envisioned my life without him but he must never be a part of my life again. I always forgave him but that will never happen again.
Most of all, I resent him for not having the guts to tell me. I am disappointed that he didn’t think that I was capable of being happy for him. Something inside a person dies when they have been disappointed too many times. A little bit of innocence is stripped away when you lose faith in the one you love most. I am searching my heart for generosity and forgiveness. I cannot feel joy for him for he does not respect me or the bond we had. My heart is close.
Many times, I prayed for his well-being. I asked God to grant him peace with himself. I always believed that happiness eluded him because he secretly desired the misery. He has it together 90% of the time but that other 10% is pure dysfunction. There is something so inherently dark about him that it breaks my heart. Yet, he is such a beautiful person. Inside him, there is a goodness and purity that is buried so deep. I guess God answered my prayers because God gave him a little one to help him find his way. I now ask God to help me find forgiveness in my heart to let him go. I need to stop being mad at him. I must accept that this is the end of the story. I cannot even be friends with him because he did not deem me worthy of knowing.
I cannot be the person that I was - the forgiving person that always took him back with open arms. I hate that I have so much anger in me. I am so mad. I am so angry. I am appalled at how much anger I feel towards him. In fact, I am just mad at every single man in my life. Did I really once love him? Was he even real with me at all? How can you be so angry at someone that meant the world to you at one point in your life? When did he fall from my graces? I want to pound on his chest and scream. If I pound him hard enough and scream loud enough then maybe I will stop being so angry.
“Life is like a circle, and someday if we travel in opposite directions on the circle we will meet again”. I always believed that when you are with someone no matter how brief or how it ended, the two are forever entwined. People come in each others’ life for a reason. There is no coincidence. Everything has a rationale and a consequence. There, however, comes a time where you have to leave that vicious cycle. The anger is taking me out of that cycle but it is also keeping me from moving forward. I am so angry. I am so, so angry. Why did I ever let this man come into my life? I wish I never met him. I wish never let him in. I am so angry that I wouldn’t even hear happiness if it came knocking on my door. If he had the balls to come clean with me, I wouldn’t be so angry. If he told me, I would have closure. I deserve closure. I deserve the world. My eyes are blind from the anger. My ears are deaf from the anger. My heart is dead from the anger. There is nothing but anger in me.