The world according to me…

The great Fitzgerald once wrote to his beloved, “Once we were one and always, it will be a little that way…” We carry a piece of that person with us no matter how far we journey. I carry them in my heart and my mind. I remember the promises made and broken. I remember the hopes, dreams and more so the reality that is. I remember the lessons taught and the tears shed. I remember because there are always battle wounds. There are days when I hide my scars and then there are days when I wear them like a badge of honor. There are days when my scars remind me of how far I have come and then there are days when my scars burn like a scarlet letter.

I don’t regret the choices I made but I regret the consequences of my actions. How foolish of me to think that my actions do not affect those around me. The domino effect is ever present in life. In a moment of fear, I made a bad judgment that led to a haste departure that caused a misunderstanding followed by a selfish act that finally hurt all parties involved. I hang my head in shame for I cannot forgive myself. In this moment, I carry both in my heart for they are both a part of me.

Sometimes I think I hurt those in my present because I cannot let go of my past. I am a part of him and nothing can ever change that. He was once mine and I cannot let that go. In my mind, I will always be his. They told me to let him go for you have to see if it was meant to be. I did. He returned. I forgave. He asked to be let go again. I complied.

I hate that I care so much. I hate that I can’t forget. I hate how my heart still leaps at the sight of him. I hate that I crave to hear his laughter. I hate the spell he has over me. I hate that I compare all those that came after, to him. I hate that in my mind no man can measure up to him. I hate that I don’t hate him. I hate that deep down inside I know he is it.

How long should I sit in the sidelines? I am so tired of playing the good friend sidekick. I want to be the star. I want to be the one with the happy ending. Shouldn’t I have the staring role in my life story? Yes, there are always twists and turns in the plots before the final ending. Every love story must have some trials and tribulations before the fat lady sings. I take it all and march on because I already know the end to my story.

We cannot change our past but history merely guides us in our future endeavors; it does not dictate the future. My past does not define my future. My past serves as a measure of how far I have come and how much more I have to go. My present is ever-changing. I learn from my mistakes but I make others. I learn more everyday and I err more everyday. The cycle is never-ending but we are a part of each other always though we are apart.

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 24th, 2007 at 10:26 pm and is filed under My Greek God. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.