Dear Diary
I don’t know how some women juggle several men. I have two and I am at my wit’s end. A blast from the past on one end and a new uncharted territory on the other; both keep me on my toes. Who do I really want?
One is familiar. He is home for me. He reminds me of where I came from. He reminds me of a time when I was so simple and naïve. He was the one before all the pain. He has always been there in some shape or form. He never was and never will be dependable but he will always catch me when I fall. He has disappointed me so much but still I hold him to such high expectations. I cannot give up on him. It is not love if I have no expectations of him. I will always be the one that wants the world from him but will never ask for a dime. He has never taken me an expensive restaurant or bought me anything nice but I have never doubted his desire to give me everything my heart should ever desire. Nothing to hide because time has stripped us both bare.
The other one brings new hope for things that could be. No history or baggage. So much mystery to solve and so many secrets to discover. He makes my blood boil but I am absolutely nuts about him. He is one of the most caring and responsible person I have ever met. There are days where he just lets me be and there are days where he is out to tame the wild nut that I am. Some days, he keeps me in check and some days he lets me be. I can’t help but smile when I hear his voice. He is so insensitive but he can detect the smallest frown on my forehead. He listens to all my stories and laughs at all my jokes. He reminds me of how far I have come. He reminds me of how much more I have to grow.
Both men are driven and crave for success. Both held me in their arms as I cried when John broke my heart. Both think that I am absolutely gorgeous even though I have packed on more than a couple of pounds. Both have that look in their eyes when they see me. The look that says it all; she is gorgeous, I am crazy about her and I am so lucky she is crazy about me too. Yes, they both have that look when I am near. Both roll their eyes when I stamp my foot to make a point. Both are kind with hearts of gold. Both are stubborn and difficult beyond reason. Both love their families. Most of all, both think they are the only man in my life…
Sometimes, I just want to be selfish. I spent all my time pleasing John when I was with him. I want to be the one catered to this time and disregard their feelings but deep down inside, I am not that kind of girl. I like being with just one person. I like being devoted to just one person. I have to stop playing with their feelings. They shouldn’t have to pay for John’s mistakes…Maybe I should find it in my heart to let John go first.
October 19th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
There are many girls out there who would be jealous of your current situation i.e. to actually have more than 1 man in your life.
I understand your dilemma, but I can at most empathise with you. Ultimately it’s you who have to make the decision. You have to know what your priorities are.
It’s like Teri Hatcher having to choose between a down-to-earth guy-next-door (Mike) or a smooth-talking Ian in “Desperate Housewives”. Or like Renee Zellweger torn between Colin Firth and Hugh Grant in “Bridget Jones’ Diary”. No matter who you choose, you’ll have to live with the consequences.