The world according to me…

I needed to use the ATM so I had to walk on the street I usually avoid. I was walking and talking on the cell at the same time and before I knew it, I was there. I was right in front of the store and he was standing at the door. I stopped dead in my tracks and he looked at me. It took him a split second to place me. He smiled at me shyly as he held the door open for an elderly customer. I tilted my head to my side and smiled back. Then I looked down and walked away.

In that brief two seconds of us looking at each other, the world around me just disappeared. It hit me that I miss him beyond reason. Without a doubt in my mind, he is the most beautiful person in the world. His eyes are kind and his smile gentle. He is my world. He is the one. How can someone make my world stop just like that unless he is the one?

He hasn’t seen me in over three months and as soon as I walked away, I panicked. All I could think of was if I looked jacked up! I am sorry but reality is unromantic and sometimes almost cruel. I rushed to my mirror when I got home. Yeah, I looked good…phew! In fact, I looked beautiful. I looked happy and effortless.

When you live and work within a ten block radius from your ex, your game has to be on 24/7/365. I do not have an off day. Why?…because life plays cruel jokes. Ever notice that you run into your ex on the one day you decide not to brush your hair and wearing jogging pants? I rest my case…

I felt totally stupid just walking away when I know he would have stepped out. I just wasn’t ready. I would have turned into a blabbering idiot. He still makes my head spin and my hands clammy after all this time. So there was my accidental visit from the ghost from the Christmas past…and I love him.

         I don’t know how some women juggle several men. I have two and I am at my wit’s end. A blast from the past on one end and a new uncharted territory on the other; both keep me on my toes. Who do I really want?

         One is familiar. He is home for me. He reminds me of where I came from. He reminds me of a time when I was so simple and naïve. He was the one before all the pain. He has always been there in some shape or form. He never was and never will be dependable but he will always catch me when I fall. He has disappointed me so much but still I hold him to such high expectations. I cannot give up on him. It is not love if I have no expectations of him. I will always be the one that wants the world from him but will never ask for a dime. He has never taken me an expensive restaurant or bought me anything nice but I have never doubted his desire to give me everything my heart should ever desire. Nothing to hide because time has stripped us both bare.

          The other one brings new hope for things that could be. No history or baggage. So much mystery to solve and so many secrets to discover. He makes my blood boil but I am absolutely nuts about him. He is one of the most caring and responsible person I have ever met. There are days where he just lets me be and there are days where he is out to tame the wild nut that I am. Some days, he keeps me in check and some days he lets me be. I can’t help but smile when I hear his voice. He is so insensitive but he can detect the smallest frown on my forehead. He listens to all my stories and laughs at all my jokes. He reminds me of how far I have come. He reminds me of how much more I have to grow.

         Both men are driven and crave for success. Both held me in their arms as I cried when John broke my heart. Both think that I am absolutely gorgeous even though I have packed on more than a couple of pounds. Both have that look in their eyes when they see me. The look that says it all; she is gorgeous, I am crazy about her and I am so lucky she is crazy about me too. Yes, they both have that look when I am near. Both roll their eyes when I stamp my foot to make a point. Both are kind with hearts of gold. Both are stubborn and difficult beyond reason. Both love their families. Most of all, both think they are the only man in my life…

       Sometimes, I just want to be selfish. I spent all my time pleasing John when I was with him. I want to be the one catered to this time and disregard their feelings but deep down inside, I am not that kind of girl. I like being with just one person. I like being devoted to just one person. I have to stop playing with their feelings. They shouldn’t have to pay for John’s mistakes…Maybe I should find it in my heart to let John go first.

I love him. I love him for making me laugh. I love him for making my blood boil. I love him for getting me. I love him for changing me. I love him for his patience. I love him for his eagerness. I love him for him. I love him for loving me for me. I love him.

Sometimes I sit and wonder if this is what it’s supposed to be? Have I been traveling in a circle because I am right back where I started? Was everything that happened preparing me for this ending? Was everything that happened preparing him for this ending? Are we inexplicably bound together?

He is everything that is wrong for a woman yet he is the perfect man. He has done everything that a man should never do to a woman yet he will give you the world. He is incapable of being selfless yet he gives up a party to tend to his puppy. He forgets everything yet he can recall anything you ask. He oozes with confidence yet he is always eager for approval.

What do you do when he tells you that you are the love of his life? What do you say when he offers you commitment? What’s the next step when he is ready to take the leap of faith you have always hoped for? What do you do when you realize that he places you on a pedestal and at the same time leans on you for strength? What do you do when he offers everything and anything with only the hope of reciprocity?

I don’t know what I am doing. I am questioning every move that I am making because it doesn’t make sense. I push when he pulls. This is everything that I wished for but never dared dream of. I don’t know why I get what I want when I no longer want it. Maybe I do want it but afraid to grab it for fear of it slipping from my grasp. I have it in the palm of my hand but I am afraid to wrap my fingers around it. Three years is a long time but it’s nothing in the scope of a lifetime.  Terrified, yet, no guts no glory. He is ready to jump so I guess I am going to take that leap of faith with him…no safety net.