No Guts, No Glory
Let’s face it, I am chicken-shit. I think and think and then think some more before I do anything. Then, I relive every moment and dissect every word until there is nothing left. After all that, I am left with more questions than when I first started. I am always worried about timing. I believe that if the right things were said but at the wrong time, it all goes bust. I carefully string my thoughts into words. I practice them in my head first then I take great care in my facial expressions hence an ever present poker face. Yes, it is very tiring to be me.
When it’s all said and done, I realize it’s the spontaneous moments that has let to the best results. Those rare moments when I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind or when I let my very bad temper take control; those are the times when I get what I want. Losing control isn’t so bad. In retrospect, going with my gut and not giving a damn is the right way to live.
Do you know that in my entire life, there is only one man who loves me just the way I am and has never held a grudge for all the crap I threw at him? The one man that I pined over for two years and never thought would love me back absolutely adores me. In a fit of anger, I threw a glass of water into his face…in front of all his co-workers. I have left umpteeth angry messages telling him to never call me again only to make up a week later. I pretend not to hear him when he tells me he loves me. I am brutally honest with him…borderline mean, in a way. I am needy when I feel insecure and he indulges me by feeding my ego. When he tries to get smooth, I tell him to spare me the act. Wow, I am quite a bitch, aren’t I? Nope, I am just being true to myself. You don’t know temper until you meet me.
It is not my intention to hurt him. I am just not sugarcoating anything for him and he reciprocates. I share a sense of freedom with him that I do not have with anyone else. I am nuts. If you don’t think I am crazy then I am definitely not being myself when I am with you because I really should be committed. It is very tiring to be wrapped up in a straightjacket day in, day out. So for me to be able to flail my crazy arms and holler from the top of my lungs whenever I feel like it…well, it feels pretty darn good. It’s nice that someone accepts you for who you are and loves just as you are.
“I love you” is best when preceded by “You are fuckin’ nuts but…” and followed by “Never change”. I am not always nuts…I have good, normal traits that make me endearing but it’s the spitfire that keeps me from being granted them angel wings. There you go, be yourself. Pick your battles but don’t ever not fight. Says what’s on your mind in any darn way you feel like it. There is no such thing as “forever hold your peace” because you can friggin’ yell him a week later for what he did last Tuesday (it’s called delayed reaction!).
If something is meant to be, you cannot fuck it up. I brought down the giant by just being myself and having no expectations. There were no precise timing or careful words, I just bulldozed myself into his life and now, I am permanently on his pedestal. Maybe that’s the route I should take from now on…No guts, no glory.
