The world according to me…

Let’s face it, I am chicken-shit. I think and think and then think some more before I do anything. Then, I relive every moment and dissect every word until there is nothing left. After all that, I am left with more questions than when I first started. I am always worried about timing. I believe that if the right things were said but at the wrong time, it all goes bust. I carefully string my thoughts into words. I practice them in my head first then I take great care in my facial expressions hence an ever present poker face. Yes, it is very tiring to be me.

When it’s all said and done, I realize it’s the spontaneous moments that has let to the best results. Those rare moments when I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind or when I let my very bad temper take control; those are the times when I get what I want. Losing control isn’t so bad. In retrospect, going with my gut and not giving a damn is the right way to live.

Do you know that in my entire life, there is only one man who loves me just the way I am and has never held a grudge for all the crap I threw at him? The one man that I pined over for two years and never thought would love me back absolutely adores me. In a fit of anger, I threw a glass of water into his face…in front of all his co-workers. I have left umpteeth angry messages telling him to never call me again only to make up a week later. I pretend not to hear him when he tells me he loves me. I am brutally honest with him…borderline mean, in a way. I am needy when I feel insecure and he indulges me by feeding my ego. When he tries to get smooth, I tell him to spare me the act. Wow, I am quite a bitch, aren’t I? Nope, I am just being true to myself. You don’t know temper until you meet me.

It is not my intention to hurt him. I am just not sugarcoating anything for him and he reciprocates. I share a sense of freedom with him that I do not have with anyone else. I am nuts. If you don’t think I am crazy then I am definitely not being myself when I am with you because I really should be committed. It is very tiring to be wrapped up in a straightjacket day in, day out. So for me to be able to flail my crazy arms and holler from the top of my lungs whenever I feel like it…well, it feels pretty darn good. It’s nice that someone accepts you for who you are and loves just as you are.

“I love you” is best when preceded by “You are fuckin’ nuts but…” and followed by “Never change”. I am not always nuts…I have good, normal traits that make me endearing but it’s the spitfire that keeps me from being granted them angel wings. There you go, be yourself. Pick your battles but don’t ever not fight. Says what’s on your mind in any darn way you feel like it. There is no such thing as “forever hold your peace” because you can friggin’ yell him a week later for what he did last Tuesday (it’s called delayed reaction!).

If something is meant to be, you cannot fuck it up. I brought down the giant by just being myself and having no expectations. There were no precise timing or careful words, I just bulldozed myself into his life and now, I am permanently on his pedestal. Maybe that’s the route I should take from now on…No guts, no glory.

I felt such a sense of accomplishment today. I love my job!!! Fickle me always had trouble figuring out what it is that I wanted. Now, I finally know. I want to be in Human Resources. I have so much to learn but I am starting to see my strengths in my work and I am finding my way up the career ladder.

I have always enjoyed my job because of the positive impact I have. I love the look on someone’s face when I made them a job offer. I love dissecting someone’s mind to see what would make them a valuable addition to my company. I love being the person they seek out when they encounter a roadblock because they look to me as an ally and not a superior yet they are grateful to me for giving them a job. I enjoy conducting the new hire orientation. It brings me a great deal of satisfaction when I see one of my new hires excelling. Most of the people I hire are new immigrants, refugees actually. Seeking asylum is a long and difficult process. Once they are granted that new status, they are ready for their new life to begin and work is that first step. I give many people their first jobs in this country.

Today, I took on a different role. Employee relations and retention are two of the hardest aspects of human resources though recruiting (which is what I do) is more challenging. I had to approach my seemingly unhappy receptionist to understand her dissatisfaction. After much coaxing and prodding, I realize she likes the company but feels a lack of challenge in her position. I gave her more projects right then and there. The monthly newsletter is now off my hands and into hers! I felt like such a grownup managing her. I don’t think she realizes that I am probably only 3-4 years older than her! I just felt good because I realize a little can go such a long way in employee retention and that is something that companies do not do enough of. This is no longer an employer’s market. It is very hard to find good employees and new hire training is a huge drain on company budget. I find it difficult to maintain a good pool right now. I currently staff a company of about 300. My work load will double when we open our next store. I can’t wait for that challenge!

I also started an excellent internship program at our company. I took on three unpaid interns over the summer. They were a wonderful addition to our human resources department but they touched every aspect of the company. Imagine the pride I felt when all three girls told my boss they wanted to be recruiters at the end of their internship! I always made them feel like my equals. Even though they referred to me as their boss, I never treated them like my staff. I felt really happy when I realize I was inspiring to them when all I wanted was for them to have a good learning experience and something for their sparse resume. Aaah…someday they will write books about me…hmm….