His Presence
There is a reason why he is still in my life. He keeps me grounded and at the same time he keeps me from falling apart. He is a reminder of where I came from, who I am and everything that is (was?) good about me. He brings me back to a time where I was still innocent and naïve. More so, he brings out the purity that I thought I had lost. So many have come after him and in so many ways I am no longer the person I was three years ago. Yet, his mere presence takes me back there and helps me recapture what was lost in the lies and heartbreaks.
He is here at a time where my self esteem is low. He makes me feel like a million bucks just when my self worth hit zero. He is teaching me to see me for what I really am and not what I am being told I am. He makes my jokes a little funnier than they actually are. His eyes linger on me a little longer than they should. He thinks I am sexy in a simple white nightshirt. He thinks I am pretty even when I am stuffing my face with a cheeseburger. Every girl needs someone like that in their lives. I have never had someone adore me and my quirks quite like this before.
It’s nice when he calls me on a whim. I feel special that he thinks about me so much. I feel special that he calls just to listen to the mundane details of my life. I feel special that he responses to all my crazy ideas. It’s utterly amazing that he spent all day with me and did anything that piqued my interest. It feels fabulous that my every move is exciting to him.
What girl doesn’t want a man to desire her the way he desires me? What girl doesn’t want a man like him to cater to her? What girl doesn’t want a man that is full of pride of us just walking around the city together? What girl doesn’t want such a confident man like him to be just tad insecure when it comes to her? What girl doesn’t want a man who just can’t say no to her?
He is the same person that he was three years ago…but more honest. He is so raw and open with everything. He is completely comfortable with who he is, where he is heading and what he wants. He does not flaunt what he has but he also does not hide what he lacks. He is a confident, kind, very tall, giving, very attractive man that loves me. When we are out, girls turn to stare at him but he is completely focused on me. He is the one man that I thought would never love me. I placed him on a pedestal for as long as I remember. I have been so wrapped up with being heartbroken that I didn’t realize that he placed me on a pedestal too. Looking back, in the three years I have known him, he has never once criticized me or ostracized me for the choices I make.
The irony of life never fails to amaze me. I remember crying myself to sleep three years ago when he was being a jerk. I dared not even wish for reciprocity; I just loved him. Now it’s being handed to me and I don’t think I want it anymore. Maybe I just don’t have a heart left inside me to love the man I wanted for two years. The man I sat next to for a year without ever making a move now worships me. I cannot believe the most selfish man I know is also the one man that gets me and loves me just the way I am. Careful what you wish for. I got what wanted without even asking for it. In life, we always get what we want…eventually. At any rate, I am not happy and I am tired. Sometimes I just want to pack up and run away. Starting anew somewhere far from here is very tempting but then I realize history has a way of catching up with us sooner or later and I will just pick up where I left off.
