Archive for August, 2007

The Truth About Honesty

Friday, August 17th, 2007

Truth is never wrong, right? Even the most hurtful revelations are cushioned by the simple fact that it was the truth. Children are raised to be honest. We are taught to tell the truth even when it could get us into a lot of trouble. Well, sometimes the trouble with honesty is the intention behind it.

He was honest in telling me about her. I would be in complete and utter blissful denial had he not shared his feelings for her with me. I should thank my lucky stars that I am blessed with a man who cares about me so much as to come clean with his indiscretions, right? No, I think not.

Sometimes I think that people are honest to absolve the guilt they shoulder with their misgivings. He told me the truth because he felt bad about what he did. He knew by telling me the truth it would make his blunder slighter. Sometimes, when people are "honest" with me, I can almost hear the weight lifting in their voices as the revelations unfold. Is the honesty really honest, when it is accompanied with relief? Isn’t that how it works? We get a lighter sentence or early parole if we confess to the crime, right?

The truth comes out sooner or later, so they say. So he chose the high road by taking control of when the truth comes to light. Does he deserve that control when it was prompted by guilt? How pitiful he must have felt for me as I gazed at him with adoring eyes whilst his heart longed for another.

In many cases, honesty is not a live-from-the-red carpet situation. It is more like prying your eyes open to the harsh reality. It is a visit from the ghost of the past. Honesty is an explanation offered why he wasn’t picking up his phone two weeks ago. Now you know he was "getting physical" with her. With such raw honesty, it then makes you question everything in that relationship. You start to dissect and scrutinize every unanswered call or late arrival until there is nothing left. It makes you wonder if there was ever a shred of truth. In fact, you probably conjured up the whole relationship. You and your imaginary relationship, right?

It doesn’t hurt any less because he was honest. He was honest not to spare my feelings but to secure his own karma. Sometimes, honesty is the most selfish thing a person can do. No, I do not want lies but nor do I want to be hurt for the sake of his conscience. Then again, my heart was mine to give away. How dare I complain about its mishandling?

What is about me that brings the truth in people? Why do they feel such an overwhelming desire to reveal those skeletons to me? Does my naivety arouse conscience in the most cruel of hearts? Does my hopeful nature bring out the feat in karma in the heartless? Either way they go on with their merry lives after a dose of honesty whiles I smart from the pains inflicted from the betrayal. No one ever said honesty didn’t come with a price tag…but whose account is it on?

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His Presence

Saturday, August 11th, 2007

There is a reason why he is still in my life. He keeps me grounded and at the same time he keeps me from falling apart. He is a reminder of where I came from, who I am and everything that is (was?) good about me. He brings me back to a time where I was still innocent and naïve. More so, he brings out the purity that I thought I had lost. So many have come after him and in so many ways I am no longer the person I was three years ago. Yet, his mere presence takes me back there and helps me recapture what was lost in the lies and heartbreaks.

He is here at a time where my self esteem is low. He makes me feel like a million bucks just when my self worth hit zero. He is teaching me to see me for what I really am and not what I am being told I am. He makes my jokes a little funnier than they actually are. His eyes linger on me a little longer than they should. He thinks I am sexy in a simple white nightshirt. He thinks I am pretty even when I am stuffing my face with a cheeseburger. Every girl needs someone like that in their lives. I have never had someone adore me and my quirks quite like this before.

It’s nice when he calls me on a whim. I feel special that he thinks about me so much. I feel special that he calls just to listen to the mundane details of my life. I feel special that he responses to all my crazy ideas. It’s utterly amazing that he spent all day with me and did anything that piqued my interest. It feels fabulous that my every move is exciting to him.

What girl doesn’t want a man to desire her the way he desires me? What girl doesn’t want a man like him to cater to her? What girl doesn’t want a man that is full of pride of us just walking around the city together? What girl doesn’t want such a confident man like him to be just tad insecure when it comes to her? What girl doesn’t want a man who just can’t say no to her?

He is the same person that he was three years ago…but more honest. He is so raw and open with everything. He is completely comfortable with who he is, where he is heading and what he wants. He does not flaunt what he has but he also does not hide what he lacks. He is a confident, kind, very tall, giving, very attractive man that loves me. When we are out, girls turn to stare at him but he is completely focused on me. He is the one man that I thought would never love me. I placed him on a pedestal for as long as I remember. I have been so wrapped up with being heartbroken that I didn’t realize that he placed me on a pedestal too. Looking back, in the three years I have known him, he has never once criticized me or ostracized me for the choices I make.

The irony of life never fails to amaze me. I remember crying myself to sleep three years ago when he was being a jerk. I dared not even wish for reciprocity; I just loved him. Now it’s being handed to me and I don’t think I want it anymore. Maybe I just don’t have a heart left inside me to love the man I wanted for two years. The man I sat next to for a year without ever making a move now worships me. I cannot believe the most selfish man I know is also the one man that gets me and loves me just the way I am. Careful what you wish for. I got what wanted without even asking for it. In life, we always get what we want…eventually. At any rate, I am not happy and I am tired. Sometimes I just want to pack up and run away. Starting anew somewhere far from here is very tempting but then I realize history has a way of catching up with us sooner or later and I will just pick up where I left off.

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That Four Letter Word

Friday, August 3rd, 2007

There’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Which one comes first? Which one is real and lasting? Which type of love is the one that will survive all the trials and tribulations? Is one better than the other? Can one coexist without the other? Does a relationship need both to survive? Let me take a stab at dissecting this mystery called love.

Love is about respect, acceptance and faith. Love is respecting all that he is, accepting all that he lacks and having faith in all that he aspires to be. Love is without agenda. It hopes for reciprocity but love can exist without it. Love is taking off those rose colored glasses and seeing a person with complete clarity. It is seeing me inside and out with complete objectivity and still feel a desire even if it isn’t always overwhelming (because we are humans with flaws, after all).

Love is shouldering all obligations of loving and being loved. It is picking up the pieces when the other falls apart. Love is about trusting someone with your darkest and innermost thoughts and wishes. It’s about not feeling stupid in sharing your most frivolous desires and embarrassing moments. Love is about patience. It’s about waiting for the other to catch up because sometimes people travel on different roads to get to the same destination. Love is about connections and cherishing moments. It’s simply about you and him and nobody else because only the two of you truly understand what’s there.

Love is about saying sorry all the time. In a very twisted way, we tend to hurt the people who we love the most but real love is about making amends for those times. Love is raw and honest. It has no manipulation (mind games to get what we want) or omission (not telling him where you were last night). Love is hard work because there are no smoke and mirrors. It’s about catering to each others whims and fancies, putting with up with crazy family members, inviting them into your group of friends, fighting to stay together when it seems like all hope is lost and so many other things that take so much effort.

"I love you" comes so easily for some and for others it’s almost impossible to utter. Either way, it should only be said when it comes from the heart. It has to be continually nurtured and it’s constantly challenged. I have faith in it. He is my Edward Lewis, my Rhett Butler and my Big. That one person that leaves you  but returns and you leave but keep coming back to. I have faith in us. We are not there yet but we will get there one day. It is such a hard journey and I am so weary. I have an amazing capacity to love. Let’s face it, some people are easier to love than others and when it comes to challenging men, he takes the cake. Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing left inside of me then a memory comes to mind. The touch, the smile, the look in his eyes, the smell of his skin and I find some strength in me to keep fighting. Like my eternal heroine says, "Tomorrow is another day."

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