The world according to me…

Help me! Save my wretched soul from my own worst enemy – me. Stop me from being this puppet whose strings are dangling from the fingertips of a Greek God. Occasionally, I falter and I run to a Kenyan King whose erratic behavior throws me even more off course! When my self worth hits zero, I turn to my backup to the backup – the Brooklyn Bad Boy. When my spirits lift a little, I crave Mediterranean and crawl home. Been around the world and I still want what’s familiar.

I may falter in my steps but the destination never changed. I take detours because sometimes the journey is so hard. I want it so bad that it scares me. I fear the desire because failure might lead me to becoming incapable of wanting anything else. I am afraid of my own wishes and dreams. How crazy am I?

I am not some petulant child stamping my feet and throwing a tantrum because I am not getting what I want. The more I grow, the more fearful I am of the direction I am heading in. I realize time is something that slips through my fingers like sand. I feel like I am wasting my time by not trying. I push forward three steps only to voluntarily take two back for fear of moving too fast. Age has awakened a demon called reality in me. Sigh…I long for the days of childhood innocence where fairytales do come true and people do live happily ever after. How I wish I could go back to the time when I really believed that I could get anything and everything I want.

Umpteenth failures and dead ends have made me realize that I don’t get unlimited chances. Even a cat only gets nine lives; silly Yvonne has to make better decisions and needs better timing. If I do "this" at the wrong time, I will jinx it. Too soon and he will run. Too late and he will be with someone else. Yet I wait with anticipation, trying to read signs that it’s the right time.

If you don’t try your best then the failure is forgivable, right? If I give my everything and I don’t get it, then how do I live with it? How do I live with the fact that my best is inadequate? I cannot live with the possibility that my everything could be nothing to John. So I half ass it. So I turn to Oscar and Mc. I cheat emotionally to avoid giving 100% to John. If I don’t give my whole heart to John, then if and when he breaks it, I will have some heart on reserve left to live on. I seek reassurance from men who care for me to sooth the pain from the man I love. I have nothing but utter devotion for John but I suppress it. It’s not "I don’t want to love John if he doesn’t love me back." It’s actually "I am scared of loving John because I don’t think I can handle him not loving me back." This is my neurotic psychosis at its finest.

Indeed men, love and relationships are still a mystery to me. I don’t know why I do the things I do. I don’t know why I love John. I don’t know how things will end. I do know that this is right for me. I do know that this is what I want. Some say it’s the challenge that keeps me waiting in the wings. I beg to differ. I found something with John that has eluded me in all other men. If I could put that something to words then it would make sense but the fact is it doesn’t make sense. Am I addicted to him? Hell yes but it’s the internal demon in me that needs to be checked into rehab not John.