The world according to me…

What I hope for, what I want and what I desire most is the same thing – John. As I watched him sleep last night, I felt such an overwhelming love for him. It doesn’t make sense for me care for someone so much. After my father and my brothers, he is the man I love most in this world.

Some hope for the best. Some fear of hoping to avoid disappointment. Some people spend a lifetime searching for what they want. Worse, some spend their lifetimes figuring out what they want. Some are afraid of their desires. Some are afraid if their desires come true, it wouldn’t be what they thought it would be.

He is not good for you. You are too good for him. He will break your heart over and over again. He doesn’t know what he wants. You deserve better. I have heard it all. Seems like everyone has an input about John – mostly unsolicited, I must say. Behind closed doors, no one knows what we are like together. In public, tell me you don’t see that twinkle in his eye when I am around. John and I beat the summer heat. We walked hand in hand through the falling autumn leaves. We survived the harsh winter cold. Spring is here. He still here. I am still here. Surely that accounts for something.

Things changed because he asked me to let him go, not because I stopped loving him. I gave him what he wanted. He came back. So why don’t I feel like he really belongs to me? Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work? I let him explore all those other options his heart so badly wanted. Go spread your wings and see what else is out there, my love. They didn’t cut it. I see it in his eyes, he knows they can never be me yet I am not it. He has me right next to him on one arm while the other arm is reaching out searching for something better, just in case.

I tried to move on. So why am I right back where I started, maybe even further behind? I went back to someone who was true but I wasn’t the same person I was two years ago. I went to someone new who brings hopes of new possibilities but I yearn for the comfort of familiarity. Then again, can a heart that has been broken so many times truly love genuinely? Can one feel like a gem again after being abandoned? Can one truly be whole again after been told of their inadequacies? Can one still be a believer when there were so much lies in their past? I want to look ahead but every once in awhile I look over my shoulder to see how far I have come and I can’t help but see all the ugly history.

The unwavering devotion I have is insane. The apparent pride I have is insane. The unnecessary protectiveness I have is insane. The overwhelming love I have is insane. Maybe I am insane. Maybe I lost my marbles the minute I stepped into Mansion Restaurant and he looked up from behind the counter. I never had a chance once I saw that smile.

Each encounter begins with the same little dance. The same look in his eyes. The same tugging in my heart. The same incredulous laughter. The same bashful smiles. The same playful shoving. The same tender kisses. The same hope that this time the story will end differently.

Each encounter ends with the same questions. Why is it that one feels more desired under the guise of the moonlight? Why is it that one is so incapable of pointing out the pink elephant looming in the corner? When sunlight floods through the windows, I can’t help but feel awashed with insecurities and inadequacies. I silence those voices to avoid casting a shadow over the mood. So the questions linger.

Intimacy is private jokes. Intimacy is us doing the waltz on the street corner. Intimacy is him wrapping his legs around mine when he sleeps. Intimacy is him reaching across the table to touch my face when we have dinner. Intimacy is him picking me up when I am unable to move from cramps. Intimacy is him lulling me to sleep when I am sick. Intimacy cannot be manufactured. Intimacy is always tender. Intimacy is never insincere. So how can I mean so much to him but yet be nothing to him?

What I hope for, what I want and what I desire most is the same thing – John.

Sometimes we focus so much on the things that we don’t have, that we don’t see the things that we do have. On that same note, I spend too much time thinking about what did not happen and what was not said instead of what did happen and the words that were uttered. Sometimes, I scrutinize each word so much that I fail to read between the lines.

Tonight, I got mad when John didn’t call me. I also got annoyed when I didn’t get the right kiss. I got restless when he forgot little details when we chatted. Then, I look back at the great day I had. Was John not happy to see me? Did John not ask me to stay for lunch? Did John not ask me to spend the day with him at the restaurant? Why did the "did-not-happen" cloud the "did-happen"? I had an amazing time with him, his family and his employees. His father and uncle made me feel welcome. Even his usually cold stepmother acknowledged me. All his staff treated me like one of them - with a healthy dose of respect. So what did happen? John genuinely wanted me be there (even though my presence set tongues wagging among his employees) and we had a blast!

Take that principle, apply to everything else in my life and I squish a little bugger called envy. No envy of the more money that the person next to me makes. No envy of that relationship that the couple sitting across from me in the subway has. No envy of that cute, well-behaved baby the new mother is cradling. I don’t make as much money as I would like but I love my job. I love the people that I work with – Mags, Cariny and Mckinley take the chore out of work. I found someone that I want to wake up next to every morning and to some people, we are that cute couple in the subway. I am pretty and John is so freaking cute. Therefore, John and I are so going have cute little Greek babies one day!

It is so easy to lose sight of what we do have when we focus too much on what others have. You really don’t know what it’s like until you have walked a mile in their shoes. No matter how fabulous a person’s life seems, there is always something lacking that we just don’t know about. By comparing lives and wishing for what others have is merely trading your problems for theirs. I know my problems and I am working on rectifying them. I only know how to handle my problems so I am going to stick with what I have and don’t have! Besides, envy attracts a lot of negative energy and creates insecurities.