The world according to me…

For real, what the heck am I doing? I am fooling around with someone I soooo totally should avoid at all cost, pining away for someone that treats me like crap and I treat someone that adores me like crap. I have so much to lose but I cannot stay away from this French speaking arse. There is something seriously wrong with me. I have so much to lose if the shit hits the fan. Seriously, I know he wants to get in my pants but he needs recognize that there’s a long fucking line and he better not be holding his breath. Voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir?

Then for whatever reason the Greek comes back into the picture. Really, I should tell him to stick it where the sun don’t shine…ooopppsss too late - he already did that! TMI? Yeah, I know. I saw him this AM and he is so freaking cute. He makes me laugh. He is a sexy mutha-effer. He fucked me over but I am still here.

Then the giant…why am I such a bitch? Payback for all the times he was mean to me? It’s nice to be on the pedestal for a change. Oh, his birthday is coming up…wow I can’t believe him and I are hitting year 3. Be nice to the man who loves you, Yvonne. Karma is such a bitch, I know.

When it rains, it freaking pours. I am tired you know. I am so stressed out from work, it is not even funny. I just want to shoot myself. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about what I did, what I need to do and mostly, what I forgot to do. The list never ends. BTW, I got a fabulous review and the CEO apparently thinks I am pretty snazzy and a hoot at the same time. He left a really super cool message for me today about the amazing job I am doing…look, let’s just talk dinero, ok? All this confidential shit is giving me a bad headache. I don’t mind the pressure because we know I thrive on it but the guilt is eating me up.

On another note, I am packing on some L-B-S. Celibacy and work stress is leading to binge eating…I think I should go for a nice run today. I am meeting the Greek tonight for dinner. Yes, please roll your eyes and accuse me of being a glutton for punishment. I know what I want and I am getting it, even if it kills me. I always get what I want and if I have to fight for it, by all means, the fruits of my labor will be so much the sweeter, eh? In a nutshell, we have French, Greek and Kenyan on the menu…

I read a beautiful (and very inspiring) quote today – "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it". At this very moment in time, I made up my mind on how I want to react – not reacting at all. John is no longer a part of my life, at least not the way he was. I cried, I moaned and I screamed my way for three days. Now, there is nothing left. I surrender. I give my faith to this invisible hand that has always set the path for me.

I think in my lifetime (so far) only two people "get" me. Am I lucky or sad? Oscar is the first and only man that understands me. He sees me for all that I am. He loves me for all that I lack. He adores me for that I will be one day. The irony is almost cruel. The man that I thought would never love me "gets" me. Months apart and he can strip me bare (mentally) in ten minutes. I cannot (and do not have to) hide anything from him. Oscar said it true and well – "There will never be another person like you. You are amazing. You are a winner. You are a Queen. You always get what you want. Trust me when I tell you this - you are you and you never have to or should change". Nyeelah is the other person. She nourishes me with her words and her ears. Sometimes I think she sees me more than I see me. Mentally (on most levels) we are a spitting image. Like him, she says I always get what I want. How can she have more faith in me than me? Both see my goodness without ever taking it for granted or seeing it as a weakness.

I am not a very spiritual person and this has nothing to do with religion. I have empathy. I have compassion. I have boundless patience. I have so much love but I have no fire inside me. I have no will to fight. I have so little sense of self. How can someone so good place so little value on herself? How can someone with so much to give be so afraid to ask for anything in return? How can someone that brings joy to others be so afraid of her own happiness? I have been the pillar of strength for so many people in my life but I am so weak when it comes to me. I wonder how I was John’s support when I stand in quicksand sinking in my own insecurities.

I am burying myself in work. Everytime John creeps into my mind, I shall banish him to the dark corners reserved for unimportant memories. I am taking some meditation classes with a new friend. I am going out to make friends. I am going to take a pottery class by my apartment. I am going to find myself. John made me this way because I allowed him to. I am going to be a very different person starting this very moment. I am going to change everything that he said I lacked. I am doing it not for him but for me. I know what I don’t have but I also know what I do have. I am never going to be perfect but I am going to be pretty damn close. I am going to find what little spirit and strength I have inside and me and I am going to nourish that little mother-effer…but I will always have weak knees for pretty dresses and nice pumps…and bald men with a cheeky grins!