The world according to me…

This year I got mittens and kisses from the man I love. He got me other presents too but the mittens and his kisses just took my breath away. LOL I have never been kissed so much in one night.  I am so loved! Surprise, surprise! He got me the exact bottle of perfume that I was going to buy for myself after Christmas. I am sooo happy! Hmm…no, I cannot stop smiling. I love you John Phillips!
The most unexpected present was my super cool pink I-Dog from Kenneth! He really hates it but he got it for me anyway. Kevin and Jess got me a really beautiful coat! Kudos to Kevin for paying close attention to my taste.
Tina got me my favorit-est game in the world. Yes, it’s true - I like it only because I kick ass in it! Ny got me the charm bracelet I have wanting for over two years now. I am never taking it off! Oscar gave me time - something that I know is impossible to get from him. Maybe he does love me…Anyway, we will always be friends.
This Christmas I got everything I wanted…time and gifts from the heart. Everyone that I love in New York spent time with me. The best gifts don’t cost the most but comes with sincerity. Everything that was given to me had heart and thought put into it. In the six years that I have been here, this has been the best Christmas! Wait till you see the pictures we took.

*Phew* Hump Day!!! Got through half of my first week and I look forward to a long relaxing weekend. This job is tough! I love it though. I don’t want to be too excited for fear of jinxing it! For you who don’t know, I have a new job. Yayy! Yup, I am finally doing something that I love and am actually good at. I still have so much to learn but I am getting better everyday! Oh, oh…I am the new recruiter for Agata and Valentina! If you know my work, you know I love being in Human Resources.

I hire, interview, source, train, meet bazillions of people, write manuals, and produce reports. Yes, it’s a real job. I work in a real office now…you know where there are like rules and stuff. I know who I report too. There are like 15 different departments and I referee and staff all of them! Oh, I have a nice office too! I am going to start putting stuff up to make it more “homey” after the New Year. Love the employee discount too! I get a discount both at the store and restaurant. Way cool!

I get the year is ending nicely for me, a least professionally. Although, I am getting my ass kicked everyday! I have tons of meetings. I have so much to read up on. Not only do I have to learn about HR – interviews, labor laws etc. I have to keep abreast on the retail AND service industry. The Greek is a good source of information. He knows a lot about the food service. I am happy that I can always ask him and tap into his network. My own experience in the restaurant business helped immensely too. This job is hard. My bosses have very high expectations of me. I like the pressure though. I thrive on it.

I think I had my last drop of alcohol last night…well at least for a long, long time! Wasn’t too happy and I actually planned on getting drunk at the party. I knew going in that I wanted to get sloshed out of my mind. I know I have no reason not to be happy. Everything is falling into place – private, personal and family. I really have it all but I am so unhappy. So I turn to liquor to find a release.

Yvonne needs to know what makes Yvonne happy. What do I want from work, from John, from my friends, from my family? No one is responsible for my happiness. I have to learn to make myself happy. How can I be euphoric one day and crying myself to sleep the next? No, I am not bipolar. I just think that my happiness is very superficial. Hence the fleeting joy. My highs are very high and my lows are just downright depressing. I get so depress that I lay in bed all day drinking water and no food. I shouldn’t be like this. Bet y’all didn’t know that about me, huh?

Today, I have a hangover from hell - physical and moral! I didn’t sleep all night. I actually felt the alcohol in my blood stream as I was sleeping. It was not a pretty sight. Though, I looked very pretty last night. I feel like crap right now but I am telling you it was all worth it…especially the moral hangover.

What does Yvonne like to do when drunk? Ding! Ding! Yes – drunk dial. Actually, I didn’t get to drunk dial him. He called me during the party and I had the biggest diarrhea of the mouth. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING came to light. No bars hold kind of trash talking. I bitched him out. I told him about Oscar. I asked him questions that I have had for months. I cried. I screamed. Now, I have nothing more…

I don’t regret what I said. I really regret the manner in which it was delivered. In vino veritas but if I didn’t have the guts to say it sober then I have no right to say it drunk. That’s how I see it. He is fine with whatever I said. I got answers that I needed. I got closure on some issues. I know where I stand and I know what to expect. While I feel bad doing it drunk, I feel a great weight has been lifted off my chest.

I love him. I love him for the man that he is, for the flaws that he has and the man that he aspires to be. I never let go. I never relax. Like I always say, this stick up my ass is what holds my head up. Once in awhile, I just need an outlet. I told him, I wish I drank more or have something so I wouldn’t have so much pent up anger and frustrations. Now I do, I am taking meditation classes. Sounds like poo poo to a lot of you but I have to do something before I lose my mind and do something even worse.

He is understanding, very understanding. He does respect me. He listened to me ranting…for over two hours. He is still going to hold up his end of the bargain. I think we just need time doing what we have been doing, staying in the same place we are at because Yvonne needs to figure Yvonne out and John needs to figure John out. Until we know what we both want and are ready to let go or move forward, we need to take a chill pill.

My muscles are contracting and I am gasping for breath. The only sound in the air is cries of mercy, me begging him to stop. I struggle to push his 190lb frame off me but he easily pins me down with his weight. He locks me between his legs and tickles me with both his hands. He bellows, "Who’s the Master?" I scream, "You, John, you!" He laughs and stops tickling me.

I let out a sigh of relief. He relaxes his legs and I quickly crawl away from him. He pounces on me again and round two of the tickle torture begins. It took everything inside of me not to pee. Yes, it was that bad. The darn Greek knows which spot to get me hollering for help.

Tickling comes in two forms. The lighter form such as stroking, called knismesis, is usually more liken to an itching sensation. The other form is gargalesis. Pressure is applied to certain spots on the body to induce laughter. Interesting enough, the tickling sensation involves nerves associated with pain and touch. While our hands are more sensitive to touch, the soles of our feet are far more ticklish. Other ticklish areas include armpits, neck, midriff and sides of torsos (my weak spot).

While I likened the experience to "torture" little did the Greek know, I enjoyed it very much. Studies have shown that tickling is a bonding experience and is a form of social intimacy. Indeed. We both felt very good afterwards and honestly, much closer. I am sure the sight of me begging and trying to hold my bladder was very unattractive but he is looking at me with eyes of love! Those are some intense blue eyes…hmm…I love you, my Tickle Monster… I mean, Master!

No one ever said it would be easy…it should be but it isn’t. I am just about the most stubborn person in the world. I ask for advice but rarely pay heed to them. Then again, a good friend told me, advice that is given should only serve as a guideline for my own final decision. No one should fault me when I don’t follow the given directions. She is right. Ultimately, I am the one that has to lay in the bed I made. Sure, I will come crying to my friends when this delicate house of cards I am balancing comes crashing down but isn’t that what friends do?

I am sadden that there are limitations to what I can and cannot say or do to certain friends. It hurts me because I would never do the same but boundaries are there for a reason and I have to respect that. The big problem I had this week with John was also due to a lack of boundaries. After much discussion we established some much needed definitions and lines were drawn. I am so much more at ease now. We each never knew how the other really felt and now that it is out in the open, I feel like a great weight was lifted off our occasionally strained relationship. Boundaries and limitations were also established with friends this week. I know who I can go to with certain things and who I can’t. I know who will not be bias and I know who has my best interest.

A light has broken through the overcast I had all week. A lot of things seem clearer now and I honestly would not have been able to do it without my friend. I don’t need to be mothered but there is a certain method of delivery that has to be used to get the message across to me. This time, she seemed to be the only person that was only able to do it and I appreciate it. I know now not only how to deal with John but with a lot of people in my life. Less really is more. I have this invisible fence for the people in my life now and I don’t want to cross those boundaries. The fence is not to keep them out but to make sure I don’t overstep. I want them in my life and that is why I need to maintain a delicate balance. It is not easy to love and be loved. Being loved is a great responsibility and loving someone takes a lot of strength. Now that the calm has set in, I hope I don’t forget how painful the storm was and the lessons I learned this week.