The world according to me…

My tummy is aching from all the laughing. My cheeks are sore from smiling so much. My heart is racing from all the excitement I’ve experiencing in the last few days. I am just happy, that’s all. John and I are having a really good week. We are talking much more…both about real issues and random obscure ones. It’s working, it really is! He is crazy, you know that? He is almost as crazy as me! Gosh, I love this man. Last night, we had date night. We haven’t had one in ages! He is busy and he has some personal issues that he had to deal with but see we got through it. My crazy, funny Greek is back! We went to see "Borat". It was his idea but I enjoyed it. He is right, it could have been funnier but it wasn’t bad at all. The bedroom wrestling scene is crazy. I was screaming in horror and John’s jaw was hanging in shock pretty much the whole time. By all means, it was funny but it’s just very graphic. I am sure it’s banned in M’sia! I honestly, have newfound respect for Sasha Baron Cohen. Hats off to you! My boyfriend (and I am only now referring to him as that because he started referring to me as his girlfriend in the last week) is hot. He is like the hottest man alive no ifs and buts about it. I was just staring at him during the movie. OMG, my boyfriend is gorgeous and so freaking sexy! Yes, it took everything inside of me not to jump his bones at the AMC Orpheum 7 movie theater last night. He is perfect! I am so lucky. LOL He is probably one of the few people in world that leaves me speechless. John had me on the floor yesterday with his jokes about his teenage following. I don’t blame the little girls, John is the sexiest man I have seen in a lonnnnggg time. Well, it’s not like I look like a dog. I am pretty hot myself…no, it’s not conceit. Let me tell you what happened yesterday. I get off the train and I was walking down 86th. For one whole block this guy walking in front of me keep turning back to look at me. I didn’t think too much of it. He stops a little bit before 2nd Avenue and stares at me. I walk pass him and he starts following me. Then, he leers at me while repeatedly shouting, "You’re so beautiful!" I cranked up my Ipod and keep on walking, ignoring my semi-stalker. Look, dude, thanks for the compliment but bugger off. Seriously, he was freaking me out! Jokes aside, my boyfriend owns Yorkville. This little prick was fucking with the wrong chick. John will have the Greek mafia on his ass before this dickhead can say boo. Anyway, whatever. Too many psychos in New York and the Upper East Side is no different. I think I am getting more attention now that I am not single. Some of my friends have similar experiences. I think it’s the happiness and newfound confidence that makes an attached person more attractive and not necessary a physical change. S’ayapo, John!

"…always gets me down…" So the song goes. I am glad it’s Monday…a brand new week because last week was longggg. I have never been a fan of roller coasters and the emotional roller coaster I was on last week was ten times worst. I just had that pit in my stomach feeling and a stabbing ache in my heart all week. No matter what, I am definitely learning a lot about patience and selflessness. Really Yvonne, it’s not always about you!
I am not good in bad situations let alone crises. I don’t have much experiences and I am not very street smart. I put my foot in my mouth a lot and I get too emotional. I know I come off like I don’t care but it’s not true. I care a lot! I just don’t know how to show it. I don’t know what to say or what not to say. I am happy to listen but I am afraid to ask questions. I can’t be better at helping if I don’t understand but I don’t know how to understand if I don’t know what is going on. Yet, I am afraid to ask because I don’t want to crowd him. Damn if I do, damn if I don’t! He is a great boyfriend though…and I use the term "boyfriend" loosely. Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to; doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all that they can.
As fragile as I come off to be, there is a fighter in me. I let people push me and push me but backed into a corner, I fight back! The one thing I have never fought for was a guy. I just never felt a need inside me to fight for someone. I wait and I wait then I give up. This time, I am fighting tooth and nail. Why? Because I know this is IT. Never much of a gut person but I feel it inside me every time I look him. When I am with him I am washed over by a sense of calm and security that eludes me in every relationship. By all means, this is the most dysfunctional relationship I have ever been in but it’s also the most fulfilling one. Peeps, it only has to make sense to me, so bugger off if you want to sit on your high horse and judge my choices. Gosh, if you can only see the joy this man brings into me life! Yes, these couple of weeks has been rough but look how much better he is doing. Hey when you hit the lowest point, the only way to go is up, right?
This is just something he has to do by himself. It’s so hard on him but I am so proud of his efforts. He is absolutely amazing, you know that? So smart and so strong! It has come to my attention that he has quite a teen following…very interesting, my dear Greek! Oh gosh, I was a little taken back when he told me. I am not jealous but I am very surprise at how forward and aggressive some teenage girls are these days. Then again, I recoil at the memory of me jumping on a friend’s older brother back when I was 16…but in my defense, that older brother was 19 and not 27! It’s absolutely adorable how comfortable he is around those teenyboppers until they start flirting back with him and he starts panicking on the inside. Serve him right for being such a flirt…but no, my dear Greek is not a pedophile!
Boston was amazing. I bought stuff…yes, three pairs of shoes for those who are wondering. I did not appreciate the Greek’s comment, "Oh I expected at least ten pairs. You exercised restraint!" Yes, he thinks he is funny! By the way, he loves the shirt I got him from French Connection…he even wore it today! People, like I always say, taste I have…money, I don’t! Good food, took lots of pictures and bonded with my baby brothers. I missed New York though. Boston is beautiful and very historical but Beantown just doesn’t cut it the way New York does!
Did I tell you my Kenyan has been awfully sweet to me? No, I don’t want to be with him anymore but it’s just that he was such a big part of my life. You know letting go is hard but the harder thing is, accepting the fact that I did let go. In my wildest dreams, I couldn’t fathom not wanting to be with him but the fact is, he’s right where I want him to be and all I want is my Greek God. Yes, I am very aware at the irony of it all. Thank you very much. We will get dinner this week though. I never want to not have him in my life…as a friend.
So all in all, brand new week…brand new start. Everything that was fucked up last week is over and a new opportunity has arrived to start afresh. I love my family. My brothers are dicks most of the time but they love me to bits. Nyeelah yells at me all the damn time but that woman is obsessed with me. Latina may not have time for me but I am always on the back of her mind. I hate my job but I have a plan. John is not perfect but I love him from the top of his shiny bald head down to his giant toes and he loves me, my crooked teeth, chinky eyes and everything else. "True love is not about loving someone perfect but loving their imperfections perfectly!"

I finally slept last night. I have been tossing and turning in my bed for the past 4 nights. I was a walking zombie. I go to bed by 9 but lay awake for hours. I drift off only to wake up every couple of hours before crying myself to sleep again. That vicious cycle has been playing itself out since Sunday night. To me, there is nothing more painful than the anguish of not knowing. Pessimistic Yvonne only has the worst scenarios. I will never learn to give someone time and space without turning into an emotional wreck myself.
For the first time in my life, I am being punished for being too good. The irony is almost too much to bear. For all the weird quirks I have, I am being deemed to be too normal. For the first time in my life, I am not dysfunctional enough for this man to be with me. I am forever being criticized for being too dramatic, too emotional and too whatever but all my crazies pale in comparison to his level of dysfunction. All my quirks are endearing to him and I am amazing in his eyes. That’s a good thing only if that man did not have so many personal issues.
I don’t understand how someone that makes me so happy can think so little about himself. I can’t accept that someone that completes me feels like he doesn’t deserve me. I hate that he hurts me so much more by trying so damn hard to protect my feelings. He has to love himself before he can love me and so far that has been my challenge. I was most attracted to his modesty and his unassuming ways. Now, I realize that beneath his cool exterior lies a lot of pain and insecurities. I just want to shout to him – Blue Eyes, you don’t know the greatness that you are! Yes, that’s my song for him - Blue Eyes by Cary Brothers.

I don’t believe he was always like this. Just as the years shed a child from innocence, time has jaded this wonderful man. He always feels like he has nothing to offer me. I agree because I think so many have taken from him that he has nothing left inside him. He has known nothing but disappointment so that’s all he expects from me yet he is hoping that he is wrong. I am not hurt by his actions. I am hurt that he can’t see that he is subconsciously sabotaging every chance we get to be happy. He is oblivious to his selfish actions but there is absolutely nothing selfish about him. I don’t know how to explain this side of him that he only shows to me. When I told him, you can see the hurt in his eyes when he realized what he did. I don’t know how to show him his errors without making him hate himself. It was not my intention, that’s how he reacts every time he thinks he hurt me.
Life is about moving forward and I absolutely understand we all move in a different pace. We can’t have a good future is we don’t fix our present mistakes. I don’t know how to get him to fix our problems without him going into withdrawals and self-critical mode. We are going to fight and hurt each a lot more because neither of us are perfect and it’s a learning process but I am not giving up.

It’s hasn’t been long but believe it or not, he has come a long way, I have come a long way and we both have come a long way together. It has not been easy and we may not have much to show but I have seen so much change in him, good change, I must add. His outlook and optimism for the future has been radically altered. Both of our walls have come down significantly – yes, both of us still hold back a little. He is more open to sharing his daily details and his past. I know he seems like a mess but he really isn’t. All of us have baggage and histories, right? It’s just that some of us deal with our past indiscretions better. Some of us also choose to suppress the past and deny it ever happened. Blue eyes has his fair share of misgivings and he is trying to not let it affect his future. Let’s not judge him for that, for he has never judged me for my problems. I am giving him the space he needs to deal with what he did over the weekend. I don’t know where we stand right now but I am so tired of worrying about it. I really need to rbing my neurosis down a couple of notches and freaking go to sleep! I forgave him but he needs to forgive himself. We had such good times. If it all ends tomorrow, I am at peace with it and I will always have those moments where it was just us. Yet, inside me somewhere I know he and I are going to be just fine. Just a bump in the road. Like he says, we belong together.