The world according to me…

"Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along." - Rumi.

When I read that quote today, I was hit with a wave of thoughts that inspired me to write. I was having writer’s block all day. Nothing I wrote came out right and I felt very bland. I wasn’t feeling what I was writing. The words were not coming out right and I kept rewriting sentences.
I remember my best friend asking me what inspires me to write. I replied with one name. A conversation overheard in a bathroom or a comment from my co-worker can give me ideas for stories but he takes it to a whole new level. I write with such conviction because I write with my heart and my heart well, let’s just say I gave it away to someone a long time ago.
I love him so much it hurts. I never thought I was capable of loving someone so much. I doubt I can ever stop loving him. Someone from my past told me that I subconsciously don’t want to let go of this pure love I have for him. I agree. I don’t want to stop loving him. Why would I?
He has my heart. He inspires me. He is my muse. My hope for him nourishes me. My love for him fuels me. My desire for him drives me.
I didn’t fall for him. I dove and I never want to break the surface. This love I have for him planted a seed in me. It grows everyday and it feeds my passions. Hope springs eternal. Everyday, I wake up with the hope that today is the day he thinks of me. Most days are uneventful but I am not deterred. Every night, I pray for him and go to sleep with peace in my heart because tomorrow is another day.
I wish that I had the intuition my best friend does but I don’t. She knows without a flicker of doubt who she will end up with. I don’t know that. I don’t know if he will ever love me but I know he is very fond of me. I know he will let me be in his life if I choose to be. I know he was good to me and he will never ever hurt me deliberately.
It doesn’t matter that he is not mine. If I die tomorrow, I can say in all honesty that I have truly loved someone without hope or agenda. It is the greatest feeling in the world. At the end of my life, whether I have his heart, a piece of it or nothing, I will be at peace because the heart that God blessed me with was not wasted. I thank God for bringing him into my life.
I am not martyr. I truly want to be with him. I sincerely will spend the rest of my days doing everything in my power to make him happy. The elation I feel when I see him smile is transcendent but love is not possession.
He is always in my heart and mind. When I close my eyes, I see him. The vision of him is so clear that I want to reach my hand out touch his face. When he is near, it takes everything in me not to kiss him. I miss him even when he is right next to me. When I am cold, I put my arms around myself and I think of the times he held me. I get lost in his embrace and I never want to be found. When I sleep at night, I get lonely and I crave to be lying on his chest again, falling asleep to his heartbeat.
I told him how I felt more than a year after I started loving him. Why did it take me so long? Easy, being loved is a big responsibility. I never felt the need to tell him because confessing felt selfish. I felt that telling him would make it seem like I wanted something in return or at least hope for it and it was neither. On some level, he always knew but since he didn’t feel the same, there was no need to bring up the pink elephant in the room. When I did tell him, he was good to me (in his way) and he still is. I did not feel a great weight lifted from my shoulders when I told him but I am glad I did it anyway. I know he understands and he respects my feelings. It is more than I can ask for and more than any man has ever done for me. At least now he knows I will always have his back and I am never more than a phone call away.
My muse, you are my love, my passion, my nourishment and my drive. I dreamt about you before I met you. You were in my heart long before I knew you. I met you and you were beyond my wildest dreams. Now, I know what love is. Nakupenda, always and forever.   

~Dedicated to the one I love~

I jolt from slumber. Where am I? What did I do? My heart starts racing. I turn to see him peacefully asleep. His steady snore lulls my heart to peace. I relax. I am OK. I am lying next to the man I love. I prop myself up on my right elbow to watch him sleep.
I lift my other hand and I lightly trace his face with my index finger. I start at what should be the hairline of his bald head. I resist rubbing his head. I move my finger down his wide forehead. The Chinese always believed that a wide forehead indicated intelligence. So true, so true of my love. I slide my finger down his nose. The bridge is too low and the nostrils are too wide when he smiles but when he is asleep, it’s perfect. At the tip of his nose, I feel his warm breath.
I brush his eyebrows with my thumb. I feel goose bumps on my arms. I lean forward and lightly peck each of his closed eyes. He stirs lightly and my heart stops. Please don’t let him wake up. Please.
He takes a deep breath and resumes snoring. I let out a small sigh of relief. I put my index finger on his lips. I trace the shape of it over and over again. Most would say that his mouth is too big and his lips are too thick. I disagree. It’s perfect because when our lips meet, his consumes mine and it leaves me breathless.
I move my finger to his strong jaw. It is so prominent. I love his jaw because it made him look so serious. It was a contradiction to the mischievous twinkle he always has in his eye. It was the face of love.
All the while, I had the biggest smile on my face. I lay back down to go back to sleep. As I turn my body, I accidentally poke my elbow to his ribs. He lets out a small moan and opens his eyes. I open my mouth to apologize for waking him. He looks at me for a moment before breaking into a huge grin, "Wanna f*ck?" 

Take a deep breath. Slow down. Relax. Remain calm. Heart be still…for he is back. He forayed and I strayed but like war weary soldiers, we always return home. The forlorn look I had been sporting for weeks has been discarded. In its place, is the eternal hope I carry for him. Naysayers call it wishful thinking. Optimistic me call it fate.
I always had been in the back of his mind…and always will be. I am his home base. Whether he knows it or not, I am a part of him. Our paths crossed and we are forever entwined, sometimes tighter, and sometimes looser. Two people that have been intimate become a part of each other’s history. With us, it was more than what went on behind closed doors. We had a friendship…and no one can ever take bond away from us. More so, I loved him…still do…always will.
I give him something that no woman can ever give him. Security. He knows that I am always going to be right here waiting for him, sad but true. At any given time, I am but one call away. I do not feel foolish for being his safety net because in many ways he is mine. I want to be in love with him. I don’t want to let him go because the ability to love someone so purely and unconditionally is almost divine. The adoration I feel for him is ungodly. It’s a sin to see only perfection in him. It’s blasphemous to sit at the foot of the pedestal I place him on.

BUT…

My hope for him nourishes me. My love for him fuels me. My desire for him drives me.

Hapana marefu yasio na mwisho (There is no distance that has no end).

Every journey begins with a single step and it will come to an end sometime. The question is, after all that is said and done, does the end justify the means? Is the destination worth the long walk on a lonely, dreary path dotted with roadblocks and detours? If the journey takes a toll on you, will you still be able to enjoy the haven you sought?
How do you stay strong and keep on track to avoid being another casualty on this road of self-discovery? How do you maintain a stride and not falter on a weather-beaten path? How do you preserve hope when your peers are jaded? How do you keep walking when it feels like the distance grows with each step forward? How do you silence the people around that attempt to dissuade you?
Before you embark on that journey, start with a destination that is unlike any you have ever heard of or seen. Let that destination blow the minds of your peers and set tongues wagging. Then, chart that distance and plot your route down to every turn and uphill. Lack of preparation is a recipe for failure. Next, make a mental picture of your arrival at your destination. Throw in details of the celebratory festivities to motivate yourself.
Look for success stories around you and let them inspire you. Search for someone who is stronger than you and ride on their coat tails of self-assurance. Find a portable wall to circumnavigate yourself from the riff-raff. Carry a salt-shaker to help you take every word said with a grain of salt.

I don’t mind the distance because I know that’s the destination I have been travelling to all my life. It’s worth every step and heartache. Someday I’ll be there and you’ll be there. Nakupenda.

"Life is like a circle, and someday if we travel in opposite directions on the circle we will meet again." - Todd L. Bradbury