The world according to me…

I updated my profile because some people have been asking me about my current life. Mostly, "Why is your love life complicated?" and "Who is ‘HIM’?" Well, the thing is, those are old news!…I am not in that state of misery anymore. I am happier now. Things have come a long way. I have come a long way. It’s nice though that people actually read my profile…awww!
I owe it all to the people around me, especially, Tina and Nyeelah. They keep me grounded. They talk sense into me. Most of all, they have changed my perceptions on love, life, men, and more importantly, sex. Mucho gracias mi amigas!!! I know to love myself. I have to put myself first…not HIM. I think I make better choices in men and relationships. I have less inhibitions. I fer sure don’t put up with no crap. I am worth so much more. You don’t like me? Move over buddy, NEXT!!!Most of all, I am closer to the person I aspire to be - "I am fabulous and I don’t give a flying rat’s ass what you think!" Nancy Sinatra sang "These boots are made for walking" and I holler "These long legs are made for strutting…and the occasional spreading!"

I am exhausted but I am so happy at my new job. I love what I do. How many people can say that? My first week and I was slammed with work. There were times when I was bored to death but they were short and far in between. My boss is a genius. I just want to sit there and pick his brains. His brain never stops!!! It’s clockwork. He has the charm to boot. I think this man can sell ice to an Eskimo. Only thing is that he is a little unorganized and sometimes very uncompromising in his opinions. My supervisor is very quiet but I know she is nice and she is very experienced. She knows so much and she is always willing to share her knowledge. She is a control freak and hogs all the work. I wish she would give me more to do but I guess it’s my first week and I have to earn her trust. I learn so much everyday and I just sit there and soak everything up like a sponge. Both of them are generous with compliments where credit is due and they understand when I make mistakes. I feel good and I know things are going to work out! Cheers!!! Oh, in case you are wondering what I am actually doing, check out The Virtual Handshake and you will get a vague idea…shhhhh….

In the wee hours of the morning, more specifically 4:55am, I got a text message. I was beyond p*ssed. I was deep in REM mode and was having one hell of a dream…yes, HE was in it but not in the way you think. Man take that mind of yours out of the gutter…EWWW! We were in Hong Kong just chillin’. Hong Kong is somewhere HE has always wanted to visit. Anyhoo, I was very rudely interrupted by several sharp beeps. Well, apparently HE decided to send a mass text message to every freakin’ person on his phone to announce his new cell number. It was the cutest message ever. It was sooo HIM…kinda like my voice message greeting is sooo me…LOL sorry you gotta call me to hear it. It’s el classico. Sigh…HE is an individual…one helluva individual…nothing about him is common. F*ck any other time I would hit the fan for being interrupted but as soon as I saw the message I was ROTFL and I couldn’t go back to sleep. Only HE would send such a dumb announcement at 4:55am…no one can ever be like HIM.

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don’t like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don’t even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won’t get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

I was thinking about each and every one of these and I agree with them all. I vow to make this year a good and happy one. I wrote him an email but I do not have the guts to send it. If I send that email then I am doing 14 but I am also making sure 12 never happens, because I have to cut him off after I send that very honest but beautifully written email. I know 1 and 2 is true for everyone…and knowing that comforts me so much. I did 10 and I still smile about the results. I am pretty much his 9 and definitely his 5.
I am so hurt by the way he is but I don’t want him to change. He is the only thing that will make me feel complete at this stage. Yet, he is the only thing that makes me feel hurt and empty. I have everything I need but I cannot enjoy. Work is so good. Family and friends are wonderful. Finances are secure…so why am I left wanting? Why don’t I enjoy what I have? Why am I not satisfied? I have to let him go and move on. The first step towards my happiness is me moving on and the first step of that journey is the hardest. I can eliminate so many other people but I can’t let him go. Anyone that I deem unworthy of my time and love, I cut them off but I have a whole other standard when it comes to him. OGK, you really f*cked me over. I am such a mess because of you but the worse thing is that you did it all without even knowing how much power you wield. Life is ironic…we go through life wanting power and clawing our way to the top when you’ll never know that you are ALREADY number one sitting on a pedestal to someone in the background…proving that number 6 is true! No matter what everything we do in life is a choice. I choose to feel this way and only I can take that power he wields. I giveth the power and I can taketh…my choice, ALWAYS MY CHOICE.

So today was my first official day of working. The other two times were more like partying! I really love my job. We were in meetings all day and I was super tired but I still love it! I learned so much today. I got a super cool, brand new laptop which I get to take home…top of the line Dell XPS…or something like that. It is so sleek and light…I mean it’s no Sony Vaio…but who cares! My cool new office is a nice light shade of baby blue, which I picked!
Anyhoo, my really cool and super boss takes the whole office out to lunch. We went to a really nice restaurant called Fred’s at Barney’s. Little ol’ me rarely go to fancy schmancy restaurants like that. He told me we would spot at least one celebrity. I was super excited. Oh, can you believe my salad was $18??!! Anyhoo, guess who sits next to us? Lizzie Grubman…not a major celeb but I know who she is…and I always thought she was cool. Anyone who can be herself aka a super two-faced bitch on national TV is OK by me! I really wish my first celebrity sighting would be an A-lister like Tom Cruise or Nicole Kidman…or better still my Keanu…sigh. Oh well, lucky you Lizzie Grubman…you popped my celebrity sighting cherry…you lucky biacctthhh!

At times, I think that I had a rough year. Then, I think carefully and I know that I got everything I wanted…worked hard and spent much time waiting but I got everything I wanted. It wasn’t a great year but I am loved, alive and moderately satisfied…so I guess 2005 wasn’t all that bad.
I started 2005 feeling pretty good about my job. I had just been promoted and got a big raise. It quickly turned into a nightmare. I realized that the promotion made me a scapegoat for everything that did not go right at work. So many of my friends left work…voluntarily and through termination. I stayed to get my work permit. For months, I was a bundle of nerves waiting for it to be approved and it was only in October did I get the approval notice. I started looking for a job the minute "the incident" happened. It was too much for me too take. Finally, I end the year with an exciting but very challenging new job. I think this could be my career.
I made many new friends this year. Some are no longer in contact with me. It’s hard to keep in touch with so many things going on in my life. I do need friends but some people are not just worth my time. I do not want negativity in my life and if I am not appreciated, I let the friendship go. My philosophy with people: If you are bad to me, I repay you tenfold. If you are good to me, I repay you hundredfold. I also decided that if you are not a positive influence then I don’t want you in my life. I want strong, smart, independent people who can think for themselves, make sound decisions and stick to them.
I started the year very in love with one person. I dared not even dream of anything happening with him because he was so out of my league and I was not his type at all. Friendship was all I had and I was contented. Then there was some flirting and things progressed slowly. I wouldn’t call what we had a relationship but there was an understanding between us. It was rough on me at times because I truly cared about him but I was blissful and over the moon, deliriously happy. It’s over now but I am not over him. We rarely communicate and I know almost nothing of his current life but on the rare occasion that he reappears, we don’t miss a beat. I have tried dating other people but it’s obvious that I am not ready. So I am starting the year even more in love than the last…but with fond memories of the past and hopeful that better times with him will happen.
I think 2006 would be a good year for my career. I know I will be working my ass off…but doing something that I will enjoy. I will be meeting a lot of interesting, successful people and I know this networking will be very good for me professionally and socially. I am positive that he will be back for me. He running a little rampant right now but he will calm down soon. I learned a lot in 2005…about life, love, human nature, social interaction, trust, hope, belief and strength. In 2006, I will make loads of moolah, increase my "social capital" and be with him. I know the only way for me to go in 2006 is up!