The world according to me…

In all honesty, I TRY take pride in everything I do but some things require more effort than others. The hardest of them all?…my job. OMG I come from a Third World country…oh, excuse me…developing country, to graduate from college and then work in a sweatshop. I cannot believe the irony of it. I am telling you, irony is a muthaf**kin’ bitch. American sweatshop, talk about oxymorons.

All my friends b*tch about work…but I know deep down inside, they secretly take pride and enjoy their work on some level. They at least see some upward direction on their career path. This shod of a job I go to everyday is a dead end.

It’s not only the work but the people; the f**kin people I work with and work for. All them backstabbing b*tches, yapping about me, just you wait till it’s your turn. He will screw you over in a heartbeat. Karma is a b*tch…what goes around, comes around. I hate these petty office politics. If I really wanted to, I can so get rid of you. I was the golden girl once, and I return to my throne if I want to….but it is sooooo NOT worth my effort.

My two bosses are the most unprofessional people I have ever worked for. The husband says things like "I am so mad I could kill someone" because freakin’ San Diego used the wrong signs for the meeting. Yes, I feel so safe and secure working for you, sir. Don’t even get me started on the plumber’s crack. The wife? OMG she whips out her freakin’ boob in front of the staff to breastfeed her 1 year old. At the rate they are going, that boy is going to have serious Oedipus complex. Also, it freakin’ disgusts everyone else in the office. Mrs. Boss, could you maybe feed your child in the privacy of your husband’s office?

My only consolation are the few people I have come to care about a lot. E, my direct supervisor is a close personal friend. T is a fun and we hang out a lot outside of work. S and RN are crazy and we laugh all the problems off. M is the only guy in the office and he loves the attention. RT is the sweetest girl in the world…I sure hope this job doesn’t corrupt her! Everyone else in the office? I don’t give a flyin’ rat’s ass and they can go to hell in a handbasket for all I care…

I am so happy I could fly right now! I woke up at 3:30 AM..yes, AM! to make porridge for lunch. Then I roused everyone else up to drive 60 miles upstate to the Woodbury Common Outlets. The drive there was beyond bad. It took us 1 1/2 hours to get from Queens to Palisades Parkway…don’t even ask why. My so called navigators totally sucked ass. Anyway, THREE hours later, I pulled into the my magical kingdom..sigh. The superstar list:

100% Italian suede leather DKNY jacket. Retail: $595 Deal: $48.51 (YES!!! 92% off).

100%sheep leather DKNY jacket, made in Italy Retail: $895 Deal: $48.51 (YES!!! 95% off)

Pale pink silk DKNY skirt. Retail: $225 Deal: $29.38

Black lace slip DKNY dress. Retail: $395 Deal: $48.51

Chiffon BCBG dress. Retail: $225 Deal: $51.80

I also got a great sweater from Sisley for $12.00. I got tons of turtlenecks and other tops from French Connection ranging from $8.00 to $15.00. A really cute pair of slingbacks from DKNY for less than $25.00. I struck gold at Banana Republic by coaxing the salesperson to allow me to use my 20% discount coupon. Between Kenneth and I, we managed to knock off an extra $60 dollars, down to $250! I am so excited!!!

• Pink, you’re gonna love your gift!…erm, I got myself the EXACT same thing *wink*
• Kim, something simple yet tasteful.
• Ela…wouldn’t you like to know? Well, think COLORS!!!
• Tina, OMG you’ll DIE!!!…this is something you would NEVER expect.
• Nyeelah, something to match that classy, confident personality.

Black Friday totally rules…and this is the best one, yet! I don’t care about the crowds and long lines…it’s part of the fun. I love a good challenge! I am so excited about the things I got!!! In fact, as I wearing my new slingbacks as I blog. *beam* I spent about a week’s salary today but OMG I saved probably a month’s worth…so there you go: Yvonne, the superhero bargain hunter! I can’t wait to do this again next year!

I am stuffed! I just got up from my mid-day nap. I HAD to make a Thanksgiving meal. I didn’t want to do anything this year but my baby, baby brother whined non-stop. He kept going on and on about how he will be in M’sia for Christmas so he needs a "western" thanksgiving. Anyhoo, I overslept and woke up at 8:00am. Usually the turkey is in the oven by 6:30am…it has been this way for the last 4 years! Anyhoo, I managed to cook everything and have lunch ready by 12:30pm. It was not easy.

I think this year’s meal was even better than last year’s. This year’s turkey was only 10lbs…our record was 12.5 lbs. The turkey turned out very moist, recipe courtesy of Aunt Nancy! Then we had baked mac and cheese, mashed potatoes with gravy, baby carrots in brown sugar glaze, homemade stuffing and of course, green bean casserole. Dessert was pecan tarts with vanilla ice-cream. I know, I know…OINK! OINK!

We have lots of leftovers. As per my tradition, turkey bones goes in the slow cooker to make porridge for tomorrow’s lunch. It is simple and convenient as it’s Black Friday, y’all know how loca I get!

Tonight, I am going to T’s place for another huge meal. I am looking forward to it. I didn’t eat much at lunch because I was tired from the cooking. I know T is an excellent cook and I can’t wait for dessert! Happy Turkey Day!

Underneath it all, I am very unhappy. I put on a happy smile everyday. I dress to kill but my heart is twisted up in a knot and sometimes I cannot breath. Sometimes, E catches me staring blankly into space…she knows I am not day-dreaming but taking a breather from the clown mask I wear. I am so drained from all that fake happiness.

Underneath it all, I am in denial. I seek reassurance from the people around me that I will get what I want because I don’t believe in it anymore. I have absolutely no grasp of reality. I stubbornly insist "all good things come to (s)he who waits" when my patience is running low. I am running on empty and the engine is going to break…

Underneath it all, I am just a big tease. I don’t sleep around whether people believe it or not.  People judge me for that halter top or skimpy skirt I wear. People sum me up for the pout I throw around. People criticize me for all the flirting I do. I happen to love and respect myself very much. So, you keep your "holier than thou" dirty looks to yourself.

Underneath it all, I am very insecure. I KNOW I am a great person but my confidence is very fragile. I doubt myself because the one person I aim to please is not impress with me. I care so much about HIS opinion that I am scared of HIM. I am terrified of spending time with HIM because I get so nervous. I leap when HE calls but then I don’t say a word. HE has to constantly check if I am still there on the phone because I turn into a mute. A mere nod of approval from HIM means more than a hundred people telling me I am fabulous.

I am a big fake, aren’t I? I do not wish it to be so but I don’t know how else to be. I wear a mask because I don’t want to be a big downer everyday even if that’s how I feel. I wear a mask because I don’t want to give up no matter how much it hurts. I wear a mask and flirt because I believe it flatters the recipient. I wear a mask with rocky confidence because only HE can change me…sad but true.    

• If you could "take back" your virginity from your first partner, would you? Abso-fuckin’-lutely
• Would you make a fool out of yourself in public if it meant you were making your partner laugh? I’ll do anything to see HIS face light up.
• Do you need to know everything about someone’s past? What I don’t know can’t hurt me; vice-versa
• It is more worthwhile and satisfying to improve the world or appreciate the world? Appreciation is so underrated.
• Would you rather have a great friend you could share everything with or a great lover you can’t really talk to? Great lover…talk is cheap.
• Do you like kissing in public? I don’t believe in PDA. I am a lady in the streets and freak in the sheets.
• Do you have a fetish that you would like to employ in your next relationship? I leave no stone unturned…but you gotsa earn it first.
• Would you date someone significantly (9 years or over) older than you? Old is gold, babes.
• How well do you handle criticism? Denial is the only way to go.
• When fooling around with someone, do you sometimes have sexual fantasies about other people? Everything I do, I only do it with HIM and in my mind, I only see HIM.
• You’ve just met someone incredible while out with friends, and (he or she’s been kind enough to cough up a phone number. How long do you wait to call? A week. I like them to stew a little first.
• Would you have a "Happy Button" installed on your body, connected to your brain, which would instantly make you very happy whenever you pressed it? Baby, it’s called the G-spot.
• Would you rather know everything about your mate, or be regularly surprised? Again, what I don’t know can’t hurt me unless I am going to be pleasantly surprised.
• We are all human, do you judge someone for a past indiscretion? Not unless you judge me first.
• What is sexiest on a woman or man? Confidence…I am hooked on HIS confident swagger.
• Would you rather have your dream job or your soul mate for the rest of your life? My dream job is one that pays me enough to buy a soul mate.
• Do you consider yourself sexually open minded? I am VERY submissive…so all you have to do is ask.
• Would u marry a virgin or someone experienced? I think I am 127 on HIS list…and boy, does he have skills!
• Have you ever had a true one-night stand? No and never will.
• Would you prefer good things happened, or interesting things? Good, interesting things.
• Is it better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all? The latter…but I know HE will be back. No one ever leaves me and NOT regret it.

Okay, it wasn’t a date per se and it was weird. OMG. I have issues. I dragged my friend T along because I insisted it should be a "group" thing. I barely remember how he looked like before we went out. Look I met him in the street 3 weeks ago.

Then, it just started off bad for reasons I like to keep to myself. I did not have fun and I did not like where we went. B is nice and all but all night I am thinking, "He is not HIM." Look I know part of "moving on" and "seeing other people" means "moving on" and "seeing other people" but it’s hard!

I am sorry but HE set the bar up pretty high. All night everything B said and did, I compared to HIM. I kept thinking, "OMG my baby would NEVER do that, say that." I know I am f**ked up. Maybe B is just not my type. I love the preppy type and B wasn’t cutting it. He wasn’t tall enough for me…I need at least 6′2, k? B does not smell like HIM. B does not talk like HIM. B does not dress like HIM. B is NOT HIM!

Besides, I just wasn’t clicking with B and he keep pushing me to tell him "what the deal was." WTF, the deal is you are NOTHING compared to my baby. I miss HIM and it’s so f**king pathetic that I cannot move on! So that’s the deal, now leave me the f**k alone. Ya, Yvonne is OUT of the dating pool coz she just ain’t ready!

Last night was so much fun. I had the best time ever with my Polish Nazi. She came over to my apartment and helped me get ready. She is so silly! We were suppose to go to Crobar for the Friendster party but then we changed our minds and decided to go get pissed drunk instead. So off to the Village…I picked the place and man, oh man it was an excellent choice. Absolutely 4th has the best martinis in the world. The martini menu was extensive as well as fun! I had four martinis…Mango Mamba, Cotton Candy Cosmo, Raspberry Bon Bons and White Chocolate Coconut Cream Wet Dream. It was amazing! Ela the ever European would only drink beer. She had 3 Coronas (how masculine!) and awww…one Stella Artois draft…that’s my baby’s drink! Surprisingly, she ended up more drunk than me! She is so freaking funny when she is drunk. We were going to do some stupid sh*t after those drinks…but ever hopeful me did not want to ruin the shod of a relationship I had with HIM. Then, we decided she was going to drunk dial HIM, but the more sober me chickened out. I love drunk Ela…she gets ALMOST as crazy as me! Anyhoo, she crashed at my place and she had a killer hangover in the AM. She had a good time, though. I KNOW she did! *wink* We were lookin’ hot last night and she caught a few guys checkin’ us out. As always, I don’t want anyone but HIM…so I am off-limits! I was so happy last night because Ela and I talked openly. That will definitely help with our friendship. We have a good but shaky friendship…because she is too needy and I am f**kin’ bitch. All in all, I had a blast with my partner in crime.

Hi, I am Yvonne and I am… gasp!…a SHOPAHOLIC. Don’t laugh! Peeps, I have an addiction and this is a serious problem. My closet is exploding with clothes! I just did a quick count after I read Ivy’s comment about my black top. OK, I have 7 articles of clothing with tags hanging in my closet, 10 more without tags but never worn, 2 pairs of brand new shoes still in their boxes, a brand new pair of Nike sneakers and a (to die for) clutch with tags! This is BAD! My exploding closet DOES NOT include my boxed up summer clothes. The closet is merely housing the "fall/winter collection".

I looked at my closet and I was appalled at how much I have. I don’t really do sneakers but I have 4 pairs of sneakers!…go figure. I have 31 pairs of shoes and 3 pairs of boots. Yes, I know I only have two feet! I love all my shoes equally but my Nickels wedges with the little butterflies…OMG HE loves them! HE actually grabbed my ankles when I wore them for the first time. Don’t even get me started on that pair of Steve Madden stilettos! I got them because when I was trying them on and this cute guy keep staring at my legs. He said "You look so sexy. Please get them" and I was like "OK." I cannot even walk in them!

I have 23 handbags…totes, baguettes, clutches…you name it, I have it! OMG I love my Cole Haan baguette (my co-worker, S says she is going to steal it). My new Mexx clutch is so gorgeous, you will die! The lace detail on my Banana Republic clutch can stop traffic!…I am the crazy bag lady…Kenneth Cole bags…but still crazy.

I am not showing off. I really think I have issues with shopping. I get bored so easily that I crave constant change. I use any excuse to buy something. Good news? Celebrate with a new dress. Bad news? Buy a pair of shoes to cheer myself up. I also admit that I am a label junkie. Mind you, I don’t do Gucci, Prada or Louis Vuitton…I am slightly more down-to-earth! OK, to my defense…I NEVER pay retail! I scour for the best bargains and the prices I pay are unbelievable. The most expensive handbag I own is the Cole Haan which retails for $399…I paid $79.99. The most expensive pair of shoes I own are the BCBG flats retailing for $120…I paid $59.99. My Kenneth Cole shades? I only paid $19.90. My Guess watch? 75% off! So technically, I am doing my part against the big retail corporations by bargain hunting and paying only a fraction of what they were charging! So there you go, I am a bargain crusader…

Oh sh*t, next week is Black Friday….

• I wish I had the strength to resist but I didn’t.
• I wish I had the strength to walk away when I could but I didn’t.
• I wish I had said no and stood my ground but I crumbled every time.
• I wish I had protected myself from all the hurt I foresaw but I left myself wide open.
• I wish I could see things for what they are so I wouldn’t live in denial.
• I wish I didn’t let my temper get the better of me each time and saved myself from the embarrassment of having to apologize.
• I wish I wasn’t so competitive and stubborn so I can give up sometimes.
• I wish I didn’t let what people think of me affect me so much so I can believe in myself more.
• I wish I listened to my head instead of my heart and saved myself the heartache.
• I wish I wasn’t so easily blinded by the little things when the big things should matter more.

Then again, no regrets because for what ever the cost is, I was very happy for a short time…

• I pray my mum would be proud of what I am.
• I pray my dad would stop trying to change me.
• I pray my aunt would stop harassing me about getting a boyfriend.
• I pray he would see all that I am and be brave enough to take a chance.
• I pray my baby, baby brother would have more faith in me.
• I pray my baby brother would be less harsh on me.
• I pray my friends would stop the "I don’t wanna see you get hurt and you deserve better" and be more "Do what makes you happy because only you know what you want"

I am going to come out and admit it…I am very judgmental and quite often a hypocrite. I have a friend who I thought quite highly of. I thought I knew her well and trusted her. Of late, I am learning things about her that I hate. Quite honestly, I judge her for the choices she’s made and is making. While I am grateful for her honesty with me, I find that I do not like the real her.

While many of my friends have been unfaithful to their significant others, I find her betrayal most disdainful. The others do not make up excuses for their actions. She does. I have never been unfaithful to my ex and I am blindingly loyal to HIM. I do not even think of others because I truly love HIM. She does not love her man as much as she claims she does. She stays because she is selfishly afraid of her own future. I cannot respect her for that. Everyone is afraid of being alone and many stay in unhappy relationships because of that fear. What I cannot accept is her PRETENDING to be madly in love with him when it is all a selfish fear of loneliness. Yes, I am judging and condemning her. I can admit to it.

I am hypocritical too. I tell her not to give in or set herself up in compromising situations but I do the same when it comes to HIM. The things I do, however, only hurt myself and no one else. She is in a relationship and is setting up herself to cheat emotionally and physically. I am only with HIM. I am in denial of the truth like she is but I am not hurting HIM. She is going to hurt her boyfriend.

I do not care that he cheated on her first. No, this is not an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth situation. Why stay and hurt each other with lies and betrayals? In the end, both will be blind and toothless. I am sorry but I cannot respect her as person or as a woman. I have stronger women as friends and I want them in my life because they are a positive influence in my life. I want people who I can respect to be my friends. I want people who are better than me to be my friends because I aspire to be a better, stronger person. I have friends who settle for less than what they deserve but when they settle, THEY SETTLE. They do not whine and cheat.

Yes, I am judgmental and hypocritical. I am not perfect but I have the right to choose who I want in my life. No, I am not cutting her off. No, I am not going to stop being her friend but I cannot look at her the same way again. I was wrong about us being exact carbon copies because we are not. I am stronger than her and I truly love HIM…even if HE doesn’t. No, I am not a better person than her but I don’t want her negativity in my life. I thank her for all the times she was there for me but I think it is time to limit our interaction.