The world according to me…

Just random memories in no particular order:

• We were chilling and watching tv. He said that he was worried that I would hook up with his friend, P. I gave him a quizzical look. He hugged me and told me that WE could never happen if I ever did anything with P. I thought to myself, "Clearly this man has no idea how strongly I feel about him." I kept quiet. He is a selfish jerk for not really wanting me but not allowing me to have anyone else.
• He was high on cocaine and his blood was pumping Corona. He talked about how sometimes he gets so down but he must never show it. I thought of the lyrics "The whole world loves it when you’re down." I knew that moment, at his most vulnerable, he is very lonely and unhappy beneath that happy-as-a-clam shell. In my heart I knew I would never love someone as purely as I love him. I knew I could never accept someone with so much faults and love them so unconditionally like I love him.
• We were at a bar. I was getting pissed drunk and flirting with R while P wouldn’t stop grabbing my ass. I looked at him buying drinks and picking up random women. I wasn’t even the least mad at him. It is funny that I am completely okay with him and other women. As I watched these women whisper in his ear and grab his arms, I thought, "They never last and he always comes back to me."
• I was cleaning his kitchen (throwing away the beer bottles, sweeping up the cigarette ashes, mopping up the spilled vodka, wiping cocaine off the kitchen counter etc.) and I stopped to look at him. He was so perfect asleep…well passed out from the 15-hour alcohol binge. As I stood there with the rag in my hand staring at the him at his most innocent, I couldn’t help but think, "Wow, I am really too good for him." Then I simply shrugged. I finished cleaning and crawled into bed with him.
• He calls me one night because he was having problems at work. He shrugs it off but I could tell how disappointed he was. He is doing something he loves and some d**khead is on a power trip and is ruining it for him. I felt so protective of him.
• In bed one night, I asked him what he was doing with me. He said because he wanted to. I told him I wasn’t his type. He asked me to elaborate. I said, "I am not skinny or blond." He held me and laughed, "You are so insecure. I love you." Then he told me about K. She was gorgeous, I know. I feel like a cow just thinking of that darn Russian. He couldn’t stand her…erm forwardness. He said K always wanted to strip for his friends. I am so different from her…I am "A lady in the streets and freak between the sheets." That comment still brings a smile to my face.     

We are back to where we started. I don’t know how we got here from where he left me. I am still smarting from the wounds but I want him in my life. We are still good friends. Sure he doesn’t call me like he use to but there are no more awkwardness between us. We have put that incident behind us. It is amazing how we can get over an obstacle and still be friends. Maybe it is simply denial…go figure. I am in a better place than I was last week but I still cry myself to sleep sometimes….cause it hurts. I wonder where we can go from here. Dare I hope? Can I take another blow from him?

We are both going to be away this holiday weekend. I am going to enjoy myself with my family and friends…though my thoughts will be with him. I can so see him getting drunk and waking up in a strange bed with an even stranger woman. Yet, I accept him for who he is. Commitment phobic? Check.  Extreme intelligence? Check. Substance abuse? Check. Drop dead gorgeous? Check. Promiscuous? Check. Great sense of humor? Check. Dead end job (for the moment)? Check. Ambition and talent? Check.

I see so much potential in him. I sincerely, truly, whole-heartedly believe that he will achieve greatness. He is just stumbling to find his ground now. One day, when all the whole is at his feet, I will remember that we created memories together. Believe you me…

Okay maybe shutting down emotionally is not that easy. It hurts! It f**king hurts so much. My pride was all I had left… so I got up and threw that glass of water to his face and walked out. Before I did it, I made damn sure the glass was filled all the way up and all eyes were on us. Did it feel good? Nope. Did it embarass him? Fer Sure. Do I regret it? Hell yeah.

Then, I sat on the steps outside crying, feeling like a fool. Never have I felt so used. R says what I did was not cool. I should have never dissed him like that. I agree. He came out an hour later. He was running out and I shouted an apology. He said with a big smile, "I’ll call you later. No problem. I’ll call you or you can call me but I gotta go." So I got up and headed home. Yes, I cried for the next three hours. He called me at 8:30 that night. He started with "Hello, drama queen." I burst into tears. We talked…actually he talked and I listened. What was said is not as important as how much he was able to convince me. I have to admit, he is good.

All in all, I still feel like crap….actually more like the parasites that live on the crap. I wear six-inches of make-up to hide my swollen eyes and tear-stained face to work. Wow…so this is how it feels like it to be used. Can’t blame him though, "tepuk sebelah tangan tidak akan berbunyi."

Do I hate him? No… but before you guys judge me, let me explain myself. I am not in denial. He has never been anything but honest with me. While he is all about selfish instant gratification, he has never promised me anything else. I hoped and those hopes were dashed. I do love him so. I can hate him but it is such a bad feeling to hold against someone I have memories with. We are going to forget about this past week and just be friends. While it hurts so much and it will hurt even more when he moves on, I choose to have him in my life. I know we will always be there for each other. I love him unconditionally… cigarettes, drugs, sex and alcohol cannot change it. No, he is not a drug addict. You will know if you ever met him. I have never wanted him be anything but what he is. I love the good and accept the bad.

No one can hurt me if I don’t let them. It is not impossible to shut down emotionally. I decide how to interpret things. As much as I appreciate the advice, encouragement and criticisms, I know what I am doing. If there’s one thing I learned from my last disastrous relationship, is that if they leave you high and dry, you simply walk away. You don’t even have to pick up the pieces. I don’t even get mad anymore. I don’t bother to hide how I feel. Sure, wearing my heart on my sleeve makes me vulnerable but I have nothing to hide. Things are what they are: I truly love him. Got a nasty surprise. Had many major disappointments. He hurt me. It ain’t over till the fat lady sings but I am learning to let go…As cliche as it sounds, time heals all things. We will always be good friends though, you cannot un-love someone. I leave with some good memories…well, at least I will remember things the way I want them to. E, K, and P I don’t know how I would have made it through this week without you guys. Thanks for showing me the harsh reality of him and the drugs, the women and alcohol even though I did not take too kindly to your concerns initially. Oh well, like they always say hindsight is 20/20. The sun will shine again…      

I cannot begin to express the disappointment I am feeling right now. Actually I am more of a p*ssed. It is a far cry from the joy and pride, I felt last night when he called. He is the epitomy of irresponsibility and he is incorrigible. When a person gets to a certain age, certain things are expected. People grow up when they age…so his excuse is that he is a late bloomer?! I am gripped with worry by something that may seem petty to others but it matters to me. He bounced back yesterday and I forgave but why the repeat?…and his explanation: Long Story. Summary? Think, Boyz II Men: Water Runs Dry.

It is so simple. So Basic. North poles attract South poles (opposites attract) and North poles repel North poles (like poles repel). That’s us. I am by nature a nervous wreck and he is always cool as ice. When something negative happens, ninety percent of the time I am like a deer caught in headlights; his face NEVER betrays any emotion. When I am caught off-guard, the cat catches my tongue; he ALWAYS has a comeback (good ones too!). I like to blend into the crowd while he makes an entrance. He is very athletic - from rugby to soccer to pole-vaulting. Me? Well, I walk… I take everything to heart while his reaction to everything is “Are you serious?” I believe in the good of man while he is Mr. Cynical. I carefully select everything in my life, be it clothes or food while he couldn’t care less (life is too short, he says). He reads the paper religiously while I turn to the funny pages. I talk, whine and bitch; he is my sounding board (he merely hears my voice and it goes out the other ear). Polar opposites one might say but like a jigsaw puzzle each piece interlocks with another. The complicated edges of each piece need a complementary to make the end puzzle whole. After all, all we want is a good fit, right? 

I have sorted through over 300 resumes. I have conducted four rounds of interviews with over 30 people since December. My patience is running low. Sometimes I wonder if these applicants really want a job….

Okay, I skip resumes that come from email addresses like hotsexymama@%^#&.com or chicas69@(&%$.com. Come on, the least you can do is create a new email account just for resumes, right?? All you sexy mamas out there, y’all hear me? Don’t send me a desperate cover letter telling me a sob story. Can you at least PRETEND to be professional? Also, not impress when Uncle Bob is your only reference.

Before you come in to meet me, is it too much to ask for a little personal hygiene? Shower, wash and brush hair…please!!! If it not too much to ask, floss that spinach off your two front teeth. Also, might be a good idea to smoke that pot AFTER the interview.

Don’t call me 10 minutes after the time I was expecting you and tell me you are late and lost. If you lied on your resume (which we all do), please get your stories straight. Don’t bitch about your former employer cause trust me I am gonna be a bigger bitch…just you wait.

Honey, I am not going to be impress with your "girls" so they don’t need to come out.  Also, sir I am not impress if "a plane was named after you"… you’re interviewing for a customer service associate position, okay? 

FYI, I hired someone today!