The world according to me…

I see you everyday fighting the demons within you. You desperately want to be a good man- the man that is dependable, considerate, kind, generous and successful. There are some days, that you succeed and you are this incredible man that I long for but most days, you fail and the disappointment radiates from me.
You are a good man deep, deep, deep down inside but there are too many layers for the goodness to fight before it can surface. You try to do the right thing each time and I know it’s not easy but you mostly fail to do the right thing. It really is much easier to be a selfish jerk than to give. It so much easier to ask and take than to work and live with less.
This fantasy of you that I have is not real. In my mind, you are one shy of perfection but in reality you are a far cry from it. You tell of this overwhelming desire for me and this undying love for me. You speak of the future where I will have no worries for you shall shelter me. You give me dreams of the children I wish to have. In hindsight, it’s all just words. I make excuses for your present bad behavior for the future you promise me. Now matters. Right now, you treat me less than the rug under your feet. You know what I deserve from you and there are some rare days that you give it to me but mostly you just don’t give a damn. I know you want to make me happy, as do I but the difference is, even if it tires me, I do it while you throw up your hands in defeat. Sadly for me, your happiness means more to me than my happiness to you.
The only person you are care about is you. You have fondness for many including me but it does not scratch the surface of love for love requires sacrifice, something that you will never be accustomed to. With my own eyes, I saw you with your own blood and you put yourself first. You always put yourself first. It pains me to love you this much. I am utterly disappointed in my inability to cut you off. You have an uncanny ability to get me to forgive you. What a vicious cycle, you have me in. It really is so much easier to love you for it is exhausting to be mad at the one you love most. Truth be said, I allow you to walk all over me. I never say no to any of your requests. I bequeath you with all that I can. How can I expect you to respect this doormat I let myself become?
I would have loved you to the end of time. I probably will, anyway. I hurt one of the best men I have ever came across all because I wanted to make it work with you. I turned a deaf ear to the wise words of my best friend to keep you in my life. I spent money I do not have for us to have memories that should come naturally with little or no cost. I make excuses for your behavior when I should just remove these rose colored glasses and see you for all that you are.
You ask me to be less selfless but you gleefully reap in my failures to do so. A simple thank you is sufficient but ever so often, you do something so dreadful that it begets questions of your sincerity. So yes your words of gratitude are trumped by your despicable acts of betrayal. Quite simply, you are an ungrateful man that will suck me dry, given the opportunity. You try not to but it’s just comes too easily for you.
What you do have abundant of is pride. You are stubborn beyond reason and possess no humility. For someone who so often ask for help, you have too much pride. I totally understand that it is hard to ask for help. What you need to understand is, people do not have to extend themselves to you and they have every right to decline without risking your wrath. It would only be right for you to slowly return the favor or at least make some pathetic attempt to do so.
One day, I hope you see that love is such a beautiful thing. It is amazing to be able to love someone unconditionally. I hope you find someone to love as I have loved (and still love) you. I hope in the future, you will put someone else before yourself. I hope the battle within you ends victoriously for the little good inside you. You are not malicious but simply too selfish and cavalier with others. Let this be a lesson for me and serve as a guide to everything that should not be in a relationship. As for me, I have nothing more to give you, Mr. Oscar Kimani. No more Oscar Kimani in my life.

I am walking down Fifth Avenue and pass by one of my favorite stores. As
always, my favorite store is one that I can rarely afford and even more rarely
has a sale. In the window, is a gorgeous dress that makes my heart skips a
beat. Do I dare enter to try on this dress which will cost me full retail
should I look amazing in it? I don’t. I go home and think about it all weekend.
Finally the next weekend, I return to the store. I made the decision to only
buy it if it costs less than X amount and that I will not buy anything else the
rest of the month.

Deep breaths as I walk in. I casually walk towards it. I
finger the delicate material gingerly as the salesperson strolls towards me. I take
the hanger of the rack and nod to her, indicating I would like to try it on. In
the fitting room, I find nothing but disappointment at the ill-fitting garment
I had hyped up all week. Up close, the harsh fluorescent lighting made the
colors garish the material felt scratchy. I took it off, got dressed and handed
it back to the salesperson.

How many times do I hype myself like that? All the time, of
course for I do the same thing with people. I often have high hopes of people
when I meet them only to find frustration that things were not as I thought it
would be. It’s good to hope for the best but sometimes, it’s safer to have no
expectations and merely go with the ride.

Today, I ended a 4 year on and off relationship with HIM.
Actually, I asked for some space from us but HE was unable to give me that. Since my return from Malaysia,
we have been inseparable. Going away to Boston.
Meeting HIS brother and best friend. Making plans for futures. We became the
couple that I always dreamed of…minus the street arguments and shouting matches.
Yes, there were loads of those. I asked that HE let me be for about 10 days and we can revisit but HE informed me that HE would unavailable by then. I had to be with HIM now or never. It’s funny how I can wait  4 years for HIM and HE can’t wait 10 days for me.

We both contributed to the demise of it. I felt that HE was
too insensitive and HE felt that I was too petty. I often felt that I was short
on the receiving end and gave too much. Even though HE was always grateful, I
felt some resentment that HE never took any initiative to plan anything or
offer anything. I am giving but not completely selfless, I know. I loved running the show and making decisions
but ever so often, I wished that HE would take the wheel from me.

I know I often made HIM feel like the bad guy when we fight.
It’s never completely HIS fault. I am just as stubborn as HE is but we were
different in all our tastes and likes. HE could never be the listener that I
need. HE was never much a conversationalist but always could talk up a storm
when intoxicated and by then, HE was just repeating HIMSELF over and over again.
I guess, it just boils down to the fact that while opposites attract, they don’t
last.

The idea of me being with HIM clouded what it was actually
like being with HIM. It felt incredibly romantic that after 4 years, HE came
around and was finally mine. What a cool story to tell people when they asked
how we met! I thought that this would be IT. In retrospect, I had too much
expectations of someone that never liked giving in. HE was too much of a rebel
to be what I wanted. HE liked contradicting me and going against the grain. At
times, it felt like HE would not do what I asked simply to be difficult. HE
shouldn’t change what HE is for I sure as hell am not changing. HE needs to be
less reckless with others’ feelings and I need to be more calm and collected
before reacting. We are just a clash of personalities, nothing more.

It’s a mutual decision. I mourn for the loss of something
that I held on to for 4 years but satisfied that we gave it a fighting chance.
The idea of me and HIM was so much sweeter than me and HIM. A little part of me
will always care for HIM. Maybe one day in the distant future, we can laugh
about it but for now, I need to be alone. I shall miss the laughter we shared
but wish HIM well. I never doubted HIS love for me. I believed HIM when HE said
that I am the love of his life but sometimes love isn’t enough to sustain a
relationship.      

My life is not as glamorous as the movies. Sometimes I fret
about how things are and how things should be. Actually, I think those things
are conditioned in me because of television and novels. This is real life, for
crying out loud! Grand gestures of love portrayed in movies are mere fiction. Boy
meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy and girl live happily ever after.
How many people do you know have it that way?

As for me, girl meets boy. Girl falls in love with boy. Boy
and girl hook up. Boy pisses off girl. Girl humiliates boy at work. Boy and
girl don’t talk for a year. Boy and girl move on. Boy and girl meet again. Girl
is in relationship. Boy and girl meet again. Boy and girl fight. Boy and girl
meet again. Boy and girl finally grow up.

After much pondering, I know now that I need to measure this
relationship to my standards. Yes, I used the big “R” word. I am in a real life
relationship with HIM. It took four years and countless other people in our
lives to get here. I got what I wanted and now I need to stop worrying that
this is a dream that I am going to wake up from.

We used to go on long periods of not calling each other
after spending a night together. It was totally common for us to not speak for
three weeks up to a month and then we hook up again. Now, we don’t get through
a day without speaking or at least a simple text. That is a huge upgrade from
Mr. I-Don’t-Have-To-Explain-Myself-To-Anyone.

He never picks up his phone unless it’s a business call.
Leave a message and he will call you back if he deems worthy. He hates people knowing
where he is or what he is doing.  Mr. Catch-Me-If-You-Can
gave me the keys to his apartment yesterday and added me to his emergency
contact list. He leaves clothes at my place and has his own toothbrush here.

Mr. Commitment-Phobic met my friends and hangs out with my
brothers. He is perfectly comfortable walking into my place of work knowing that
he is being scrutinized. He makes plans with me and he introduced me to his
friends and family in Boston.
I believe him when he says we have the rest of our lives together.

So, I guess he is my boyfriend. I guess he has been my
boyfriend for the past two months but I have just been too afraid to admit it,
scared to jinx it. It’s not easy to enjoy today because of all the baggage from
yesterday. There were two people who I thought were my friends and they said to
my best friend, “You know he will never love her, right?” That still
hurts today but you know what? Up yours! He loves me more than he has any other
woman. So, this is my happy ending…

I am feeling all warm and fuzzy…and it has nothing to do
with the rising temperatures or my lack of shaving! You know the feelings that
accompany a developing relationship? Well, I am feeling them still, four years
later! I guess the biggest reason behind that was it took him four years to
find himself. Yes, the honeymoon phase is still going strong…

The constant texts and random calls are all in a day’s work.
No drama but instead plenty of laughter. No heartache but instead an obscene
amount of merciless teasing. No tears but instead a level of comfort and trust
that took years to build. He is the first person in New York that introduced himself to me. He
is my first friend and my best guy friend in the whole world. He introduces me
as his best friend and the best woman he knows. I am not his girlfriend for I am
first and foremost, his friend.

There are times, when I sit in awe of the progress. Everyday,
I see a new side of him that I never thought possible. Came as a shock to me
but…He has a heart! He is capable of feelings! He has a sense of
responsibility! He loves me! His affection for his family, his devotion to his
pet, his dedication to his job and his ability to let his guard down with me
are all nuances to me.

No man knows how to behave…until someone teaches them. I
have taught him well. He is still at grade level but has come leaps and bounds
from the man who was nothing but a constant source of disappointment the first
3 years of our un-relationship. Is it possible to fall a little bit more in
love with someone everyday that you are with them? Yes, he still a very selfish
and self-centered man but the old him is slowly chipping away and the new
sensitive him is taking my breath away.

Everyday, I ask him, “Who are you and what have you done
with the asshole?” I am so lucky to have this. Sometimes, I pinch myself to
make sure that this is not a dream. I broke him. I wore him down. I waited long
enough. I won! The most unattainable man I have ever met is now wrapped around
my fingers. Trust me, no one saw this coming. I know one of my so-called
friends once said to my best friend, behind my back, “You know he is never
going to love her, right?’ She should see us now.

I am not a trusting person. Paranoia is my middle name.
Doubt clouds my every thought. Oh how the tide has turned. When he tells me,
that I am the love of his life…I believe him. When he tells me, that we are
going to be in each others’ lives till we die…I believe him. So, this is my
un-relationship…   

We are always told to not live in the past as there is so
much in the present and even more in the future. Yet, I see so much relevance
in the past. My past keeps me grounded to who I was and where I came from. More
so, it serves as a reminder of how far I have come and how much more I have to
go. For me, nothing represents my past more than my friends from high school.

Home is where the heart is. If so, then I have two homes. I
love New York for all the opportunities it gives me and all the unknowns I have yet to
discover. So many questions beg to be answered and more arise each day. Excitement
is never short as I start my days in the biggest city in the world. Everyday
that I was away, I wanted to be in the comfort of the concrete jungle known as Manhattan. I missed seeing the homeless man on 85^th and 1^st. I missed the
ghetto Reggaeton that blast from cars as they drive by my windows in the wee
hours of the morning. Most of all, I miss the monotony of the life I have come
to have. Vacations are meaningless if you have don’t have something boring to
come back to.

Yet, home is also where people love you for who you are. I
am truly blessed to have such a wonderful and eccentric set of family and friends.
One sometimes forgets how much they are loved when they have been away for too
long. I have forgotten how easy it was to let my guard down with my three
friends and laugh about all the embarrassing details of my life with no worry
of judgments. I was initially worried that it would take time for us to
rekindle our friendship and warm up. How wrong was I? My friends have each become
such strong willed women in their own way but the friendship remains simple and
sincere. I am constantly astounded by the fact that I have known these girls
for almost 14 years. We are all at different places in our lives but came from
the same starting point.

My short trip home has given me much new insight on the life
I want and a newfound respect for the life I take for granted in New York. At the end of
it all, my belief that everything happens for a reason is strengthen. If it’s
meant to be then it shall be, for my story has already been written, I just
have to live it.

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous
‘yes.’

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—and if everything else
was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.’

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else—the small stuff. ‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.’
Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf
balls first—the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked. The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.’

With all the twists and turns in my so-called life, I have tons of material for a memoir. Sometimes, I wonder if I create the drama or I attract drama. I am tired. I am so tired of drama. I never wanted a simple life, always afraid of being bored but now I realize a little simplicity in my life is exactly what I need.

I have so much in my life and yet I have almost nothing. I am literally crowded with possessions. So many pairs of shoes, scarves everywhere, dresses with tags on them crammed in my back closet and handbags overflowing from my top rack. I cleaned out my closet and threw out 20 pairs of shoes and 30 articles of clothing. I know I shop too much and I can’t shop my way to happiness but I sure look darn good on a daily basis. I may feel like crap on the inside but I look like a million dollars!

My birthday came and gone. I know I am loved. I am truly loved by my two brothers and my friends. I am so lucky but yet I crave for more. I try to be grateful for what I have but can’t shake off the thoughts of what I do not have. Sometimes, I feel that my years have taught me nothing. I still feel utterly ill equipped to live as a grown woman. I am still constantly acting without thinking or rethinking how/why I did something.

I am tired of dating. I do not like meeting new people. I am actually quite turn off by men who show an interest in me. I like stability and comfort of being with someone familiar. I have someone that loves me with all his heart but he doesn’t love me the way I want him to. I am such an ungrateful little brat, aren’t I? I know he loves me just by looking at his eyes. When Oscar looks at me, I see that he wants to give me the world. One look at Oscar and you see his desire to cater to everything that my heart should ever desire.

Yet, I make him feel like an arse. It’s not intentional. He makes a mistake and I am hurt. He feels like an arse and gets defensive, making me hurt even more. I do have very high expectations of him and he hates that he is such a constant disappointment. I cannot be anything other than what I am. So the saying goes, “Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all that they have.” Yes, this is all is he capable of and it is not enough for me. I need more and I deserve more. Oscar has been in and out of my life for four years. Never did I expect us to be where we are. Who would have thought that Yvonne would be the one great love of Oscar? The irony is almost too much to bear.

The only thing in my life I am in control of (most of the time, at least) is my career. I have found something that I am truly passionate about. I am challenged but I meet and exceed those challenges. Is it sad that I look forward to weekends because I want to sleep in but miss being productive at work?

I don’t have a 5 year plan but I do have a 3 year plan. Too bad, my plan only covers my career. The rest of my life is a blur. Some may find that exciting but tired me just wants to know that happiness and contentment is in the picture. I find it rather pathetic that I want so badly to be happy but have no clue as to what makes me happy.

Actually, I did find something that made me extremely happy last year but I messed it up so bad. I really screwed Mckinley over. I hate how I handled myself. I am so ashamed of myself. He likes me just the way I am but I was just too stupid to see it. He was there when John walked out. He helped me with work. He listened to all my rants and raves. He was so sincere and kind to me. How many men would hold you in their arms, when you cry about another man? Well, I had one but I made him leave.

I am mostly mad about my life and I need to stop feeling so angry. I believe in karma. I tell myself that if I am nice to someone, they will do the same for me but I guess it’s not always like that. I was nothing short of amazing to John and look at how he reciprocated. I don’t think I should change. Keep on giving and one day I shall receive. I have made many mistakes and I am going to keep making them but gotta keep it moving.

Recently something came to light. The Chinese always say that paper cannot cover a fire. The truth always comes out eventually. He is having a child with her. I have nothing left for him. This is the end of the road. The story must end no matter how much I wanted him back. I will never ever come between him and the woman who bore him a child. I never envisioned my life without him but he must never be a part of my life again. I always forgave him but that will never happen again.
Most of all, I resent him for not having the guts to tell me. I am disappointed that he didn’t think that I was capable of being happy for him. Something inside a person dies when they have been disappointed too many times. A little bit of innocence is stripped away when you lose faith in the one you love most. I am searching my heart for generosity and forgiveness. I cannot feel joy for him for he does not respect me or the bond we had. My heart is close.
Many times, I prayed for his well-being. I asked God to grant him peace with himself. I always believed that happiness eluded him because he secretly desired the misery. He has it together 90% of the time but that other 10% is pure dysfunction. There is something so inherently dark about him that it breaks my heart. Yet, he is such a beautiful person. Inside him, there is a goodness and purity that is buried so deep. I guess God answered my prayers because God gave him a little one to help him find his way. I now ask God to help me find forgiveness in my heart to let him go. I need to stop being mad at him. I must accept that this is the end of the story. I cannot even be friends with him because he did not deem me worthy of knowing.
I cannot be the person that I was - the forgiving person that always took him back with open arms. I hate that I have so much anger in me. I am so mad. I am so angry. I am appalled at how much anger I feel towards him. In fact, I am just mad at every single man in my life. Did I really once love him? Was he even real with me at all? How can you be so angry at someone that meant the world to you at one point in your life? When did he fall from my graces? I want to pound on his chest and scream. If I pound him hard enough and scream loud enough then maybe I will stop being so angry.
“Life is like a circle, and someday if we travel in opposite directions on the circle we will meet again”. I always believed that when you are with someone no matter how brief or how it ended, the two are forever entwined. People come in each others’ life for a reason. There is no coincidence. Everything has a rationale and a consequence. There, however, comes a time where you have to leave that vicious cycle. The anger is taking me out of that cycle but it is also keeping me from moving forward. I am so angry. I am so, so angry. Why did I ever let this man come into my life? I wish I never met him. I wish never let him in. I am so angry that I wouldn’t even hear happiness if it came knocking on my door. If he had the balls to come clean with me, I wouldn’t be so angry. If he told me, I would have closure. I deserve closure. I deserve the world. My eyes are blind from the anger. My ears are deaf from the anger. My heart is dead from the anger. There is nothing but anger in me.

Four years later, we are still together and stronger than ever. It feels nice to be loved, don’t you agree? We were in Club Med (Florida) for four days. Everyday we were there, we fought and made up, only to fight some more. I have a temper like no other and he is stubborn as a mule. He pisses me off, I get up and leave him in the dining room. He makes me laugh and I forgive him. I tell him I never want to speak to him again and he says “How many times are you going to break up with me?” We are terrible together but worse without each other. Two words - it works.

Women stop me to tell me how good-looking he is. He is very attractive to so many but I am amazing to him. To me, he is perfectly flawed. He is tall (very), athletic, strong, smart, funny but also selfish and careless. He has just enough flaws to make him human and lovable. For every heartache he gives me, there is a bellyache from laughing. For every time he makes my temper rise, there is a look of adoration in his eyes. For every time he forgets to call, there is a time where I am his world.

I ask him if he loves me. He looks at me from the corner of his eye, “Stop being insecure, it’s been four years; I would give you my kidney.” Not very romantic but truth seldom is, right? We are what we are. We are the odd but exotic couple. We are polar opposites that cannot keep away from each other. He is the attention whore, I am the wallflower. He has 6% body fat, I have an ass with its own zip code. He spends as much time working out as I do sleeping. He is 6’6 (and a half), I am 5’4. I am neurotic but nothing fazes him. I am a planner and he goes with the flow.

We started as co-workers. We became friends. We became lovers. Never did I think that we would be where we are but here I am – I have my cake and I am eating it! I cannot believe the pedestal he places me on. No matter what tomorrow brings, we will always be a part of each other’s lives. If I die tomorrow, I leave with the knowledge that I am a woman who has truly been loved and adored. For this, I am blessed.

1. Unexplained sudden smiles.

2. Warm fuzzy feelings.

3. Nightly sweet dreams.

Signs I met someone new for $500, please. Well, he is not exactly someone I recently met. I have known him for over a year and things have been heading in that direction for a long time. I am happy. I do believe I have met someone who is more stubborn than me but yet able to handle my competitiveness! I like how the new year began and how things are going so far.

I was hurting for such a long time. It’s true that time heals everything. I just woke up one day and it just didn’t matter anymore. There is no one that I cannot live without; I just choose to have them in my life. I sincerely think I can finally face him without yearning him. There is some residual resentment but no ill will.

Still, I thread a little more cautiously this time around and hope for the best but all of these play second fiddle to my first love – my career. This week really had me pulling my hair out. When Friday came around, I wanted to bolt but I was stuck waiting for my last interview to finish her writing sample, delaying me for 45 minutes. This was a 50 hour work week for me.

I have four glorious weeks of vacation this year. I want to take two weeks to go home and see my family and old friends but I am afraid to take that much time off. I took a three day weekend once and came back to 48 messages. I have a mini break planned for Superbowl weekend and that is a much needed break. I am so excited about Club Med! I plan on getting hammered the whole trip – it’s all you can eat and drink all day!

PS - My adorable Brooklyn Bad Boy – Good luck with your MLK event tomorrow!